Love With a Love That is More Than Love

"If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life."

Valentine's Day. The day people focus on buying flowers, chocolates, and cards, dote on romantic partners, or find ways to cope if none of the above exists.

But what about focusing on a different kind of love? Instead of romantic suck-face (frequently) fleeting sorts of love, why not spend that money giving to those whose struggles go beyond just being single? 

Today, my sweet friend and little-sister-I-never had posted this status:

"Doing laundry today, a lady was begging for change outside for some food. Instead of giving her $$ I took her over to the pizzeria & bought her some pizza, and a soda. She said, "Everyone walks by and gives me change so I'd leave them alone. Thank you & Happy Valentine's Day." Enough said."

I'm not saying we all need to go find someone begging on the street, but perhaps we can pull our heads out of the hazy Valentine's Day clouds and redirect that attention to those who could use some genuine compassion, love, and concern. 

If you're in a relationship, pay it forward. If you're single, pay it forward. 

I totally get the ever-increasingly trite sounding cliche-for-a-reason question, "Why do we need one day to remember to express our love? We should be doing that every day." And that's TRUE.

But here's the thing about us humans, ready? WE FORGET AND NEED CONSTANT REMINDERS. It's true, we should love every day, not just when we're expected to buy cards we're going to throw out the next day. That said, a day of intentional remembrance isn't a bad thing either.

Valentine's Day, like everything else, is all in what you choose to make of it.

So go dote on your special loved one (if you don't have one, do something you love and be thankful for the time you have to focus on yourself), and maybe while you're at it, send some of that attention and energy to someone whose lot in life may not be so lucky as your own.

Stop Looking Down Long Enough to Look Up

I used to say I was an ocean girl.

Well, I didn't "used" to- I still kinda do, BUT, with more thought than before. You see, these last few weeks have been something of an epiphany. I've gone on a hike of some sort every several days for the past few weeks, and the more I do it, the more I crave it. 

Yesterday while I was out with a friend, I realized that ever so slowly, I've been learning the language of the mountains and of being in the woods. It's different than being in the ocean, not better or worse, just different.

I find peace in the sound of the wind through the trees and reminders to breathe deep when I look out on the horizon filled with mountains that could only be described as majestic against a sky so blue it's unreal.

Over the weekend I went on a hike and met a new friend who, while we were walking and talking, suddenly stopped. He grabbed my arm and said, "Look at this. Look at how amazing this view is, and we miss it because we're always looking at the ground." 

So we slowed down. We walked quite a distance behind everyone while we were mindful to look up and even completely stop once in awhile just to enjoy what was right in front of us.

I realized that many of us are so busy just trying to get where we're going, we spend the entire time looking down to make sure we don't trip, but all the while we're missing the point of it all; we're missing the spectacular views that make the journey worth taking in the first place. 

We're taught that we should hurry up and push as hard as we can to get finished, but finish what? A class? A job? A chore? A workout? A hike? And why- why do we feel as though we have to race through our lives always looking down to ensure that we don't trip while we're pushing as hard and as fast as we can to get to the end. 

But maybe, just maybe, the end is not so important. Maybe, like the old cliché says, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

Next time you find yourself racing through school, work, the various stages of a relationship, a project, or even just a hike, slow down- maybe even completely stop- and take a moment to look, really look, at what's around you. 

You may just find that whatever you're working so hard to finish has a new meaning, and the end point becomes not so important after all.

Don't Say It Unless You'll Do It

How many times have we made empty commitments like, "I'll call you later," "We'll hang out soon, "I'll get better with staying in touch," or "I'll help you with that"?

We've all done it. We say those lines because in the moment we think we mean them, but later rolls around and makes a liar of us.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

This last year has emphasized the importance of follow through in my everyday life. I've been working on not mindlessly spouting off meaningless promises because even though they don't seem important, those seemingly insignificant moments add up to how others gauge the integrity of your word. It happens on such a covert level we don't even realize it consciously most of the time.

That is, until we find ourselves simultaneously making other plans when we make plans with that person we know will flake.

Each unfulfilled commitment weakens the power of what we say because there's no foundation of doing to hold it up.

My challenge to us is to be increasingly mindful and intentional about what we say because though it is true that actions speak louder than words, words have the potential to be powerful when they carry a high degree of purpose and integrity.

Make it a priority to ensure you follow through with the "little" commitments because they contribute to the foundation of trustworthiness you build with others on a daily basis.

Follow Your Bliss

What is bliss to you? Is it your family? Your friends? A vast ocean? A deep endless forest? An infinite night sky? A feeling you get when there's nothing more you want because you can hear your own voice above the masses and know you are finally on the path that resonates with your own sense of reason?

Yesterday I spent the day with my friends in Boulder, CO meditating on bliss, making amazing new connections, eating an absolutely sublime brunch, then hiking a lush trail while contemplating what I had meditated on earlier.

What is bliss to me? That. Everything that happened yesterday filled me with a sense of renewal, joy, peace, and complete contentment. It was another confirmation that my, at the time, terrifying decision to change my life was the right one.

A giant smile spreads across my face every time I remember that I regained my freedom by taking back the responsibility for my life. I am no longer living by what other people think I should be doing. I cannot be controlled by money, social expectations of where I should be, or false hierarchies of power built on fear.

Back in June I wrote about putting your dreams and intentions out there in Are You Having the Right Conversation? and 7 months later I am still finding how imperative it is to never stop having that conversation. As I've said so many times before, I love travel, cooking, writing, and making new connections with people. In the past several months, I have been meeting people who share those passions because I've been putting it out there. I talk about it, write about it, dream about it, and post about it on Facebook (apologies to my friends whose News Feeds are flooded with it).

Yesterday, after many failed attempts to hang out, I finally connected with a new friend who shares the same love of travel, adventure, meaningful conversations, and meeting new people as I do, and next week we will discuss how we can collaborate to take those things out into the world.

How freaking exciting is that? These things would likely have never happened had I stayed in my windowless cube working to have enough money to mask my misery.

I can hardly wait to see how these events all play out over the next year. I have feeling that a new adventure is brewing on the horizon.

"When Nothing is Certain, Anything is Possible"

Last trimester flew by, and we're already well into January. I have an entire 7 months here, but I only have 7 months here. I still have no idea of what I want to be when I grow up. My dad just sent me a text reminding me to slow down and enjoy the time I have- something will come to me. It's hard for me to not want to plan it all out, but I have to remind myself to enjoy the moment I'm in and not worry about the ones to come because the reality of life is that the ones to come may never arrive. Aside from that, I also have no idea what unexpected opportunities may lie around the bend. 

My visit home caused me to have a brief moment of considering moving back- I didn't realize how much I had missed my friends and family until I returned. It was like entering a warm room after being in the cold and not realizing you were freezing. But as fate? luck? would have it, a series of events reminded me that I left for a reason. I am on a journey, and I cannot settle until I find those things I addressed in my post (A Few) Things I Learned the Last 3 Months. I made a commitment to myself to give myself the chance to discover all of those things that make me come alive- that give my life depth and meaning. I chose this path, and now I must follow it to whatever end.

I realize I will have many days in the coming months when I will panic about my future, but I know I need to take a deep breath, and let life come as it will. Since I've been here, I've reaffirmed my love of travel, food, training, and writing. Additionally, I've also discovered how much I love building relationships with my students. They make every day worth my fear and self-doubt and give me hope in ways I would have never discovered otherwise. I'm as excited to see how their lives unfold as I am about my own. How will I combine all of these? I have no clue yet. But I'm sure I'll figure it out. Eventually. 

Just Another Heartbreak

Well, I did it again. 

"What?" you may ask.

I allowed my heart to be broken. Again. 

Thankfully, this one was not as dragged out as the last, though I wish it would not have happened at all.  You can tell me all of the conventional trite wisdom like "It wasn't a waste of time" or "You learn a lesson from it," but I have to admit, I'm tired of learning the same lesson. Which makes me wonder what I'm doing to attract the same experience over and over again. 

I bet you're wondering if I'm a relationship hopper, but no. Against reasonable logic, I'm not. I take long periods of time between my relationships so I can re-center, assess what happened, and do my best to not repeat the situation. 

There's clearly a glitch in my system. 

It always presents entirely different with each relationship, but rapidly deteriorates into the same ending.    I'm working on figuring out why. 

That all said, one valuable lesson I have learned through it all is that I'm not nearly as jaded as one (I) would expect from repeatedly having my heart broken, shattered, crushed, and stomped on. I still love openly and wholeheartedly, even if imperfectly. 

Oh, and the other lesson I never get tired of learning? How amazing my friends are. I would never make it through without them. They show me over and over again how blessed my life is.

Today, I feel a little hurt and vulnerable, but I take comfort in knowing that my friends have my back (even from a distance), and knowing that when the time comes for me to break the cycle and find an honest love, I will be ready with an open heart. 

Blood and Water

The last 10 days have been quite a roller coaster of emotions, and I'm still working on processing it all. 

I found a translator to make communication with my biological father easier (well, possible), and it's been relieving and frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time. When I first found my biological family, the adoption agency had translated a few letters, and it was brought up that they want me to visit Seoul.

Nearly 10 years later, I'm finally entertaining the possibility of actually doing so. The idea of it scares me for several reasons. Heading to a country where I can't even fudge my way through understanding the language because I have zero idea of what the characters mean is the first hang up. Secondly, I have a non-existent sense of direction. How am I going to figure out where I'm going in this incredibly foreign country? Finally, I can conceptually imagine what it would be like to meet my father, mother, and 3 older sisters, but I know without a doubt the actual experience is something I won't be able to prepare for on any level. Then, to top it off, going back to the language thing- I'll be in front of these people who hold a large chunk of my identity and I won't be able to say a word they understand nor they to me. 

But, like my friend said today, "communication is in body language, sharing a meal, spending time with them." I said I wasn't ready. He told me my time is running out. I take for granted that we live in the United States where the way we live and work is vastly different from the way the poor in a country like South Korea work. The reality is that my parents are getting older, they've led hard lives, and their health is already beginning to fail. 

In this case, I don't know that there is a "right" moment- the right moment is me going in spite of my fear, in spite of not feeling ready. The likelihood of feeling ready to meet the blood from which I came is probably slim. So, this year, I won't wait for the elusive opportune moment. I will go visit my biological family and face a history that was, until now, only loosely sketched out on paper.