Latest Tiny Buddha Article: Trusting in the Present When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

Please check out my latest post: Trusting in the Present When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past and let me know what you think.

Don't Say It Unless You'll Do It

How many times have we made empty commitments like, "I'll call you later," "We'll hang out soon, "I'll get better with staying in touch," or "I'll help you with that"?

We've all done it. We say those lines because in the moment we think we mean them, but later rolls around and makes a liar of us.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

This last year has emphasized the importance of follow through in my everyday life. I've been working on not mindlessly spouting off meaningless promises because even though they don't seem important, those seemingly insignificant moments add up to how others gauge the integrity of your word. It happens on such a covert level we don't even realize it consciously most of the time.

That is, until we find ourselves simultaneously making other plans when we make plans with that person we know will flake.

Each unfulfilled commitment weakens the power of what we say because there's no foundation of doing to hold it up.

My challenge to us is to be increasingly mindful and intentional about what we say because though it is true that actions speak louder than words, words have the potential to be powerful when they carry a high degree of purpose and integrity.

Make it a priority to ensure you follow through with the "little" commitments because they contribute to the foundation of trustworthiness you build with others on a daily basis.

"When Nothing is Certain, Anything is Possible"

Last trimester flew by, and we're already well into January. I have an entire 7 months here, but I only have 7 months here. I still have no idea of what I want to be when I grow up. My dad just sent me a text reminding me to slow down and enjoy the time I have- something will come to me. It's hard for me to not want to plan it all out, but I have to remind myself to enjoy the moment I'm in and not worry about the ones to come because the reality of life is that the ones to come may never arrive. Aside from that, I also have no idea what unexpected opportunities may lie around the bend. 

My visit home caused me to have a brief moment of considering moving back- I didn't realize how much I had missed my friends and family until I returned. It was like entering a warm room after being in the cold and not realizing you were freezing. But as fate? luck? would have it, a series of events reminded me that I left for a reason. I am on a journey, and I cannot settle until I find those things I addressed in my post (A Few) Things I Learned the Last 3 Months. I made a commitment to myself to give myself the chance to discover all of those things that make me come alive- that give my life depth and meaning. I chose this path, and now I must follow it to whatever end.

I realize I will have many days in the coming months when I will panic about my future, but I know I need to take a deep breath, and let life come as it will. Since I've been here, I've reaffirmed my love of travel, food, training, and writing. Additionally, I've also discovered how much I love building relationships with my students. They make every day worth my fear and self-doubt and give me hope in ways I would have never discovered otherwise. I'm as excited to see how their lives unfold as I am about my own. How will I combine all of these? I have no clue yet. But I'm sure I'll figure it out. Eventually. 

Trust Yourself (also: Nothing to Fear)

I'm leaving in 4 days.

It really hit me as I was making plans today, then realized, I've run out of "oh, we can do that next weeks". There are no more next weeks. It is this week. In these next few days I need to finish lining up my ducklings and say my goodbyes.

It is 11:41pm and I am desperately tired, but insanely antsy. I feel like a caged animal waiting...

I vacillate between complete and utter excitement and gut-wrenching terror.

I wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to vomit.

There, I said it. Those are (some of) the reasons I haven't written in awhile. I've never felt so scattered and so exhilarated before in my entire life, and I'm not really sure of how to communicate myself. Nor do I always feel like doing so. The closer to the 17th I get, the more I feel the urge to pull inward.

That all said, I feel an underlying sense of peace. In spite of my twisting stomach, I somehow know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now. That decision I made in November of 2011 is entirely changing the course of my life. I'm doing what I was always too afraid to do- leave the safety of my illusion of security to find out what I'm really capable of doing. I'm setting off knowing that I have no choice but to trust myself. I have to trust my instincts, trust my heart, trust my abilities- trust that I will be able to take care of myself no matter what I encounter.

"Why are you scared?" a few of my friends will occasionally ask... At the end of the day, nothing of substance. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared because I have virtually no idea how anything is going to pan out from this moment on. I let go of the cushy predictable job, my cozy apartment, my comfortable routines, and have thus  opened myself to a whole new world of possibilities. 

But therein lies the beauty of it. I don't know- I'm open and ready for anything because there are no expectations. I am living based on what I want to do instead of what others think I should be doing. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I am proud of my life. I can own every failure and triumph because I'm no longer allowing someone else tell me how I should live. 

Is this process comfortable? No. Absolutely not. Is it indescribably fulfilling? Completely.

When it's all said and done- there really is nothing to fear. Any fears I may have are tied to issues of predictable security, and as I've seen over and over again, it doesn't matter what you have or what you do- you can lose what you have in an instant. Your amazing job, your impressive home and car, all of your neat geeky gadgets can be wiped away- even the people you love the most. So really, life boils down to the choices you make and who you are when everything falls away.

I've always wanted to be able to say I'm proud of my life- that I'm excited about what could happen.

Now, I finally am.