tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26375285956470321092024-03-05T10:57:33.745-05:00Life's a risk... and I'm all in.a blog about finding the strength to start all over againHaiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-86727705049718636262015-07-18T11:17:00.000-04:002015-07-23T12:06:52.925-04:00For Better and For Worse<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimXJcoc8yGaYwOEjExzRSs0ZxAEUqo8EbLDr_tV2T2H_wkCtpf7zefx3D4GmFzaPj5QZXeHh-erhebuPCNHjwbQBRZfriI6kNSuNQ9EYEMySPQskRrgNzEjnHH2IZC_1fxjvx1C4HHPXhu/s1600/engagement+edit+b%253Aw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimXJcoc8yGaYwOEjExzRSs0ZxAEUqo8EbLDr_tV2T2H_wkCtpf7zefx3D4GmFzaPj5QZXeHh-erhebuPCNHjwbQBRZfriI6kNSuNQ9EYEMySPQskRrgNzEjnHH2IZC_1fxjvx1C4HHPXhu/s320/engagement+edit+b%253Aw.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
As our wedding draws closer, I have an inexplicably heavy anxiety and fear woven throughout my excitement and joy.<br />
<br />
I knew that planning a wedding came with a special set of frustrations and headaches. What I wasn't prepared for was the upheaval of all I thought I had satisfactorily buried. This process, in the midst of excited anticipation, has also been one of the saddest and loneliest I've experienced.<br />
<br />
I can't begin to express how empty this feels knowing that neither my mom nor my fiancé's mom is here to share in all of this with us.<br />
<br />
Part of me is still angry that not only did my biological mother not desperately want to keep me, I lost my adopted mom when I was still a child, and then I lost my mother-in-law-to-be; my last chance to have a mother figure in my life as family. I don't know what the words are to explain how that feels...<br />
<br />
Every meltdown has me wondering if maybe I'd be having less of a meltdown if one of them was here to listen as I agonize over all the stupid details that probably won't matter in the end anyway, but more importantly, as I hash out all my fears about trust, commitment, my life's direction, and the risk of letting someone in so close that it would tear me apart to lose them.<br />
<br />
My dad tells me even if he knew what was in store for him and my mom before they got married, he still would've gone through it. It was all worth it in spite of the two decades of hell watching her struggle physically and mentally while fighting to keep his entire family afloat.<br />
<br />
There is some solace in that for me; even with as heart wrenching as it was, he doesn't wish it just never happened at all. I am lucky and got to witness my dad set an extraordinary example of commitment, devotion, and love in the face of impossible odds. I've watched many others turn away for much less.<br />
<br />
I adore the man I'm marrying, and I know he adores me right back. I believe he would stand by me if our world came crashing down. And that terrifies me. This man <i>loves</i> me for who and what I am. I have trouble doing that myself some days.<br />
<br />
I spent years making myself strong and fiercely independent. It's not that I entirely closed everyone out– I just didn't let anyone get close enough to really hurt me if they disappeared somehow. Now I feel completely dependent, vulnerable, and as raw as though someone ripped away all of my scabs and scars.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, my husband-to-be is infinitely patient and possesses a steadiness I can only hope to one day attain. He's becoming quite skilled at soothing my demons when they attack out of nowhere.<br />
<br />
I avoided writing for the last year because, quite frankly, this is all embarrassing to me. I feel like a failure because I can't "just" focus on the good parts. I don't have the eternal optimist's silver lining to paint around my little gray cloud. Sure, I've learned a lot and wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that, but I don't think I'd be a horrible person if I would've had a stable mom in my life. Who knows, there's a chance I'd be slightly more well-adjusted.<br />
<br />
But maybe it's not always about turning something into what it's not. We so often look for the heroic inspiration in every sad story, but perhaps sometimes the lesson is to let it be what it is. Maybe the healing is in the acceptance.<br />
<br />
I am incredibly excited to have found this man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, and I can't wait to see how our story continues to unfold. I am looking forward to our wedding and seeing all of our closest family and friends together; I know they will make it an unforgettable night. I am also indescribably sad because there is, and will be, an irrevocable emptiness.<br />
<br />
Yann Martel so poignantly wrote in <i>Life of Pi, </i>"To lose a brother is to lose someone with whom you can share the experiences of growing old, who is supposed to bring you a sister-in-law and nieces and nephews, creatures who people the tree of your life and give it new branches. To lose your father is to lose the one whose guidance and help you seek, who supports you like a tree trunk supports its branches. To lose your mother, well, that is like losing the sun above you…"<br />
<br />
Our lives will never be the same, and that's ok; it is how it should be. We will carry on with our lives creating new habits and patterns around the emptiness like a tree around a knot in its wood. Some experiences will usher in sadness alongside happiness because I will always wish for the sun to shine.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-20199450721335495942014-09-24T12:38:00.003-04:002014-09-25T12:35:40.553-04:00"Joy and Sorrow are Inseparable" <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTrW08lPB0_8jKSU2wFRCZel4vfZazhbFp00OXDstE_38DXfwaNijIuXc-kTnCkI8rJhrQW08-3bZ-kD1j-vD1x93yf4Sic6KJzjkBGAfw2HSFd5icMCd4QFCZFUvGBbM1v80DwA6yMJ26/s1600/neruda+sonnet+17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTrW08lPB0_8jKSU2wFRCZel4vfZazhbFp00OXDstE_38DXfwaNijIuXc-kTnCkI8rJhrQW08-3bZ-kD1j-vD1x93yf4Sic6KJzjkBGAfw2HSFd5icMCd4QFCZFUvGBbM1v80DwA6yMJ26/s1600/neruda+sonnet+17.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I never thought that would happen. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's not even that I just didn't think it would happen for me, I just didn't think of it at all. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But here I sit with a gorgeous rock on my left ring finger thinking about what day would be best for our wedding. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
That's a long way to come for someone who, at one point, didn't expect to make it to 30. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But here I am at 30, and I'm so happy it feels unreal, like if I blink one too many times, it'll all disappear. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have a beyond wonderful fiancé, a cozy little home that becomes more <i>ours</i> each day, a job that doesn't feel like work, an adorable tiny wiener dog, and amazing friends whose devotions blazed more brightly than ever this year.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's certainly no fairytale story; we've struggled a lot in the last year and a half. But, we've made it through an immense amount too. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We've suffered all that comes with the loss of friends we thought we'd never lose, the sorrow that comes with any big life transition- even the happy ones- and the heart wrenching grief that comes with the loss of a mother. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
All of these things have brought us closer than we would have ever anticipated.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
The 16th anniversary of losing my own mother is rapidly approaching, and every year around this time, I feel the same sort of antsy anxiety as though my body is subconsciously prepping itself for the morning of October second. You'd think after over a decade and a half that sensation would subside, but I have yet to discover otherwise.<br />
<br />
I am incredibly grateful for my life now, and so very sad that absolutely none of it contains the presence of my mom. Even her memory is barely a whisper contained only in the few people left in my life who ever knew her.<br />
<br />
It's a strange realization to know I have, by necessity, built the last 16 years without a piece that seems so vital. And it's beautiful. And I'm happy. And I'm sad.<br />
<br />
As my fiancé and I make plans for our wedding, our joys highlight our sorrows, but our sorrows graciously serve to highlight our joys.<br />
<br />
<b>It is a good life.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-38798334218943078932014-02-07T11:46:00.001-05:002014-02-07T11:46:47.553-05:00Show Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiQhaN9aPRhk8jfpjUMrnv-w47cGVlg2X58C3zQ42AVtU3NWdj6GAjatKCkyrXJHbpRrncaUDdp_h5qE8k0zzWqOLg26s5O-010zOjnzqHrya9fvAweBm6UdOiDdm0Xx3oBTKEEiSrbu1y/s1600/presence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiQhaN9aPRhk8jfpjUMrnv-w47cGVlg2X58C3zQ42AVtU3NWdj6GAjatKCkyrXJHbpRrncaUDdp_h5qE8k0zzWqOLg26s5O-010zOjnzqHrya9fvAweBm6UdOiDdm0Xx3oBTKEEiSrbu1y/s1600/presence.jpg" height="273" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Over the last several months, I've been developing a deeper appreciation for those in my life who show up. The ones who say they'll be there, and are there. The ones who say nothing and show up just because they know life is hard and want to be supportive even though they can't fix anything. The ones who, even if far away, send messages to check in and offer their love and encouragement.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Those are the people you know you can count on because they understand the importance of relationships and what it means to be invested. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We all get caught up in the "I was so busy, I couldn't bother to send a 30 second text…" excuse, but if and when life tears that person away, we then fall into, "I wish I would've made more time…"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
There's another kind of showing up I've been learning about too. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
How many of us have had this conversation with a co-worker, a family member, a child, or a significant other?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Yeah, I hear you."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Right, but are you LISTENING to me?"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I'm a self-proclaimed multi-tasker extraordinaire. The problem? Sometimes when someone talks to me, I hear something, but I wasn't actually listening; which means I heard sounds, but I didn't pay attention enough to figure out what the meaning of those sounds were. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
That's an issue because<b> if I'm not listening, I'm not learning</b>- I'm not learning what it is that needs to be taken care of, I'm not learning how to understand, I'm not learning how to respond, I'm not learning how to navigate what's between the sounds.</div>
<br />
But what's more important is that if I'm not listening, I'm not present, and if I'm not present with someone I say I care about, I'm showing them that I don't care enough to understand what they're trying to communicate with me.<br />
<br />
We all do it.<br />
<br />
Think: "Hey, how was your day?" "Eh, I've had better..." "So, what's going on for dinner?"<br />
<br />
In that brief transaction, the expected response was, "good", and if the questioner wasn't listening, they didn't realize the expected response wasn't given, and then missed an opportunity to show up. That "things've been better" could be as small as "I clumsily spilled coffee all over my clothes this morning" to a bigger, "I just found out my friend just died." Of course, the tone of voice would give further indication, but if you're not listening, you're probably not noticing tone of voice either.<br />
<br />
And no, I'm not exaggerating. I've seen these things happen. It's no wonder people feel lonely and disconnected.<br />
<br />
Imagine how different the person answering would have felt if the questioner would have been listening and just simply asked, "what's going on?"<br />
<br />
Whether it was coffee or a friend passing that caused the answer, the questioner emotionally showed up and totally changed the dynamic and course of the interaction.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it's not as bad as someone dying. So many days people simply have hard challenging days that wear them out, and all they need is for someone that cares to emotionally show up and ask questions to which they're listening for the answer.<br />
<br />
With our vast array of technological gadgets and apps meant to network and stay in touch, we've somehow gotten worse at actually creating and maintaining meaningful connections.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying we shouldn't show ourselves some grace. There are definitely days where we're barely keeping our own heads above water, but when days roll in to weeks into months into years, it becomes a larger issue of where our priorities really lie.<br />
<br />
<b>"When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?"</b><br />
<br />
Being present isn't just about being physically there. I have friends who show me they are with me no matter how many miles are between us.<br />
<br />
<b>What matters is that we show up</b>, in person and/or in our attention- how we listen and learn from what we listen to. <b>It's not about always knowing what to do or say; it's about genuinely wanting to understand the people you love.</b><br />
<br />
Each seemingly insignificant encounter adds up to whether we draw someone closer or push them away. When we show up, we build trust in our relationships in priceless and profound little ways.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-1757946849895336562014-01-31T14:29:00.001-05:002014-01-31T15:55:45.954-05:00On Turning 30 (and other things)<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifL6CrJOABaU5JZFwFNWM4COeWxiCAX516vV_MLFwm-7zuAfieZESFKexAtRErH8ZtNTa_ebUawI7ES-8FCg4ywUM-5KCB5LsbLDe4XWvkd-ZFdTB3OrM-IzClgizSpR5qfiItpWMRhpRw/s1600/finished+ending.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifL6CrJOABaU5JZFwFNWM4COeWxiCAX516vV_MLFwm-7zuAfieZESFKexAtRErH8ZtNTa_ebUawI7ES-8FCg4ywUM-5KCB5LsbLDe4XWvkd-ZFdTB3OrM-IzClgizSpR5qfiItpWMRhpRw/s1600/finished+ending.jpg" height="183" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Well, it's been a(long)while since my last entry.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sometimes a hiatus is necessary, even from the things you love. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, what have I been up to the last few months?<br />
<br />
November and December were quite full of the usual holiday chaos running alongside the difficult loss of my boyfriend's mother. Needless to say, life was less about trying new things and more about spending time in the inner circles of our close friends and family.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The circumstances surrounding that situation were heartbreaking in and of themselves, but having lost my own mother added another layer of sorrow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It broke my heart to watch him and his family day after day, understanding as best as I could, how hard that time was. Our situations were so different. The one thing I understood was losing mom. As Yann Martel wrote in </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">Life of Pi, </i><span style="font-family: inherit;">"</span>To lose your mother, well, that is like losing the sun above you…"<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here I was in the most vulnerable, intimate and private part of their lives in the midst of just beginning to get to know them. I had only moved back a few months before. Generally, people tak</span>e a lot of time to get to know their significant other's family, but time wasn't on our side.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I felt like an intruder, but they, in spite of their own situation, were incredibly gracious and open to me. I gained a profound respect for them.<br />
<br />
Through it all, it focused us on how incredibly precious time is; there was no time for bullshit or putting things off.<br />
<br />
We learned an intensely vivid lesson on what and more significantly, who, is important in life.<br />
<br />
Since I moved back in mid-August 2013, there's been a rough series of events in transitioning from the mountains and the constant activity of living where I worked to being back in the place I thought I'd never return to for a million different reasons.<br />
<br />
It has taken me nearly 6 months to finally start to calm down and even begin to feel somewhat settled. The stress of everything happening all at once left me feeling particularly doubtful, sad, and vulnerable; which made me feel like an incredible jackass. I wanted to be strong and supportive for my boyfriend, but so often it was him being strong for me.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, he is unfailingly optimistic, and in spite of it all, we still managed to find quite a bit of happiness and joy through the months. He has been my rock through everything.<br />
<br />
Speaking of happiness, odd as it sounds, turning 30 on January 22 was quite festive and fun- I still feel exactly the same as I did when I was 29. ;)<br />
<br />
I am looking forward to my new decade and the new adventures it has to bring.<br />
<br />
And speaking of new, one of my new endeavors is another blog called <a href="http://www.haikukwon.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">The Little Things</a>, which is a place where you can find, you guessed it, little things that make my days happy. Since I love cooking and finally have a lovely kitchen equipped with nearly everything I could ever need, it is currently a lot of food and recipes.<br />
<br />
I recoiled into preservation mode the last several months, but now as I've begun to find my center again, I'm starting to open up and am ready to continue pursuing what I set out to find when I originally started this blog; the things I love. The things that make me happy. The things that make life rich and meaningful for me.<br />
<br />
Or maybe more accurately, I should say "more of" those things because the reality is, I already have all of those things in abundance.<br />
<br />
Here's to the next 30 years.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRa-ESIJPjewGPDxswaM_GvSQOu6Dfgs7Ug3EW55pcoZ1LZyUnyMg-DR9wVRGckf3_7g6MDX8h8z7MUVHhABIYym6suiT8tJ5rNqn3xfGXGPki4DTcDbMpULp7I_S0dJBGyAzcZhWZfF3/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRa-ESIJPjewGPDxswaM_GvSQOu6Dfgs7Ug3EW55pcoZ1LZyUnyMg-DR9wVRGckf3_7g6MDX8h8z7MUVHhABIYym6suiT8tJ5rNqn3xfGXGPki4DTcDbMpULp7I_S0dJBGyAzcZhWZfF3/s1600/photo.JPG" height="262" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-76541969089461933762013-10-29T13:50:00.002-04:002013-10-29T13:50:40.378-04:00Leading an Adventurous Life... in My Own Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnUSHP703XJ1DfaPm6PTpfQ3kk2EiB0_hpEp7F6OIBLqYsqXhIAne4mn1-SAdkKDRTtUWDTHP4We3JCgaFeVnYx1966DvuVHRyzhfIDFCdYsF5dw74nOU4EHAhFBeC_LovvmyTzqrjCjBH/s1600/adventuous+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnUSHP703XJ1DfaPm6PTpfQ3kk2EiB0_hpEp7F6OIBLqYsqXhIAne4mn1-SAdkKDRTtUWDTHP4We3JCgaFeVnYx1966DvuVHRyzhfIDFCdYsF5dw74nOU4EHAhFBeC_LovvmyTzqrjCjBH/s400/adventuous+life.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's over. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have trouble with endings. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Over the last two months I've spent a lot of time realizing that I'm having horrible withdrawal from the adrenaline that comes from a few years of consistent travel and a massive life changing move. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I left Pennsylvania, I swore I'd never return. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Now I've moved back and am in almost precisely the same location I said I'd never come back to. I'm easily comfortable here, which ironically feels wildly uncomfortable. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've heard the line, "I'm so happy you're back, but I was really surprised you returned" more times than I can count.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It kinda feels like failure because I spent so many years talking about and preparing to leave, I finally left, and then came back after only a year. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>Ultimately, what I struggle with the most is that this is not what I thought would happen. I didn't have a plan per se, but this wasn't part of my unplanned plan. If you happened to read my earlier post this month, <a href="http://www.haikukwon.com/2013/09/sometimes-when-you-lose-you-win.html" target="_blank">"Sometimes when you lose, you win"</a>, you know the main reason I came back was for love.</div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
That's big, right? Most of us skeptics are generally pretty adverse to making big life decisions for such seemingly intangible concepts.</div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
But for me, I've learned how important love is largely because of my <a href="http://www.haikukwon.com/2012/05/life-changes-in-instant-ordinary.html" target="_blank">mother</a> and my <a href="http://www.haikukwon.com/2012_07_01_archive.html" target="_blank">best friend</a>. I've been broken hearted and also very very lucky. </div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">During this gray area of my life, I'm learning that maybe searching for an adventurous and passionate life is like searching for happiness. <b>I think it has less to do with searching and more to do with being open. Sometimes you have to just live your life and be open instead of frantically searching for the end results</b> because really, there isn't an end to any of it until the very end, which is when we cease to be alive. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">At that point, then we can have our regrets or make our peace. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until then, <b>the gray area is very often not just a piece of our lives, but a very large part.</b> The new rage is to go out and find your passion, be exciting, be interesting, be different, daring and bold- which I think holds a lot of merit; however, how many people promoting that life tell you how difficult and sometimes painful it can be until you get there? And who tells you just how long it may take? Or that you could go the majority of your life before you find it? Or that, heaven forbid, you never really find that <i>one</i> thing?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">I, for one, don't want to feel like a failure for the majority of my life simply because I didn't/wasn't able to figure out what exactly would make an adventurous passionate life for me in the eyes of others, and even myself. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">I do want to live my life the best of my ability and often that's going to mean doing things that look pretty routine, and possibly even mundane, on the outside. (Grocery shopping, anyone?)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Currently, I have no plans for traveling to foreign exotic places or finding innovative new work. At the moment, </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm writing this blog then going to clean our cozy little house.</span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">My most exciting plans are going to a concert tonight with my boyfriend and making dinner plans with friends for the next few weeks. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Admittedly, though doing domestic house chores likely ranks up there with "routine and mundane," it feels pretty good to have a home to clean after living out of bags and cubbies. It feels particularly good knowing I'll have a clean home to have dinner parties in because I have tons of time to cook which is something I happen to love to do.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perhaps an adventurous life has less to do with doing what looks exciting and more to do with doing what feels good to you, even when other people think it's boring, maybe especially when... </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpgGUdJmbjrNSzqaOOPF_lGfLbikrXUG0d1gKWQ9sYxLk8RdDcflf-tTWYN9eyE069NxcohpTBXfFPOnXPmsTKVclS33C8T9J5vxfcwNpWEAteSm4bweeYPTd8H0g5jf3ARB5CM815FMbC/s1600/cummings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpgGUdJmbjrNSzqaOOPF_lGfLbikrXUG0d1gKWQ9sYxLk8RdDcflf-tTWYN9eyE069NxcohpTBXfFPOnXPmsTKVclS33C8T9J5vxfcwNpWEAteSm4bweeYPTd8H0g5jf3ARB5CM815FMbC/s320/cummings.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<br />Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-56573810342523865612013-10-14T09:09:00.005-04:002013-10-14T09:09:55.497-04:00 Learning to Love and Live When Life Gets HardMy latest post on tinybuddha- <a href="http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-to-love-and-live-when-life-gets-hard/" target="_blank"> Learning to Love and Live When Life Gets Hard</a>Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-80147882409839251502013-10-10T14:05:00.001-04:002013-10-10T14:05:29.277-04:00"I Want to Die" <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_RN4iBnTO44CUf2CFDo7sKqmZ8tDawh0Uzp5MItiGqnMREzFTpZKwmt_WpjCNB5L93Oimw9j_3jEM5geSqulUBZn_01H52-RYbJxI45RGox4XCdMii8LxRERMPSJFOhKGW7t24rhaIl0x/s1600/life+goes+fast.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_RN4iBnTO44CUf2CFDo7sKqmZ8tDawh0Uzp5MItiGqnMREzFTpZKwmt_WpjCNB5L93Oimw9j_3jEM5geSqulUBZn_01H52-RYbJxI45RGox4XCdMii8LxRERMPSJFOhKGW7t24rhaIl0x/s320/life+goes+fast.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">"If relationships matter most then [at the end of our lives], </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">shouldn't </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">they matter most now?" </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">-Max Lucado </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Before any of you get concerned, I don't actually want to die.<br />
<br />
But there was a time when I did.<br />
<br />
Years ago, that phrase haunted my mind during most waking hours. If you've ever felt that way, truly genuinely wanted it to all be over because you just couldn't imagine how anything would ever be better, you'll easily understand this post. If you've had bad days but couldn't fathom ever wanting to check out, you are lucky and it might take a bit more, but try anyway.<br />
<br />
On Saturday I found out one of my old friends shot himself the night before. I've lost a lot of friends to suicide over the years, and every single time I wonder what the differentiating factor is between who makes it through and who doesn't.<br />
<br />
The age old nature or nurture question pops into my mind first- "How much is determined by environment and how much is an inherent strength?" Then I think about that cliche "you're never given more than you can handle," and wonder if maybe that's not entirely true.<br />
<br />
I hear opinions varying from the sympathetic to the judgmental. "How could they be so selfish?? Why weren't they thinking about everyone who loves them? Why weren't they thinking about ME, how <i>I </i>would feel???"<br />
<br />
But then I think two things. 1. Maybe they did think of you and (erroneously) thought you'd be better off without them and 2. Did they know you loved them or even cared at all?<br />
<br />
I'm not going to write an in-depth analysis of suicide because I have no answers.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I have what I equate to survivor's guilt. I have no idea how I survived the years when I wanted it to all be over. Perhaps it was because I was lucky, maybe because I was blessed enough to have at least one person who loved me at some point each step or maybe it's because of an uncontrollable character trait I was born with.<br />
<br />
Most likely it's some incalculable equation of them all. I wish I knew how and why I'm still here and they aren't. Maybe some of them would still be here then.<br />
<br />
The one thing I do know is there's a pervasive loneliness that I've watched shape the way people see themselves and the rest of the world. We live in a world that's more socially interconnected than ever, and yet our sense of displacement is increasing.<br />
<br />
So often I've heard the last words were something along the lines of, "Nobody would care if I was gone. I can't handle any of this, I don't know how to fix it. <i>I'm so alone.</i> "<br />
<br />
Why is that?<br />
<br />
We hear the old wisdom and see it burned onto a crafty pieces of wood,"Love the ones you're with", "Home is where you feel love", and other stupid bullshit that sounds great and we whole heartedly agree, but we still ignore it or at least don't really live it out... till things like this happen.<br />
<br />
We could use cop-out lines like, "they needed to change their perspective" or "they wouldn't have believed me, it wouldn't have made a difference," but sometimes I think that's a cover for the guilt we feel because we remember all those times we thought to call but didn't or said we were "too busy" to talk or hang out.<br />
<br />
The world we live in will continue to move at unmercifully dizzying speeds. It's easy to have a rational sounding excuse to dodge putting the effort into the people we say we love, but when the end comes, we're too often left with regrets.<br />
<br />
<b>Love changes everything.</b> I'm not saying that we can prevent all suicides. There are innumerable factors that play in, many of which we never know about. I am saying that there is a problem with the growing sense of disconnection and displacement.<br />
<br />
We all have a role to play in that.<br />
<br />
We don't get control over how someone else experiences life, but we do get control over how much love we give.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, it makes a difference. I know it did for me.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>"As the globalized placeless world spreads... it could be that the most radical thing to do is to belong."</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> -Paul Kingsnorth</span></div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-71152038548615642542013-10-02T15:47:00.000-04:002013-10-02T15:47:11.817-04:00Turning Point<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAoBiUCd6oYpWObt1l-299L1ryucSgdIIPhjVhjcLrwNQcH9Fesezn-58HaqPhDNur4aD2hlxpQ3XalcANn9G6k-4_DtKrziwu7HIKnwPJMERdGFFyfHlw3K7QKIHQjHVBZ5VVRMA9zSSV/s1600/emptiness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAoBiUCd6oYpWObt1l-299L1ryucSgdIIPhjVhjcLrwNQcH9Fesezn-58HaqPhDNur4aD2hlxpQ3XalcANn9G6k-4_DtKrziwu7HIKnwPJMERdGFFyfHlw3K7QKIHQjHVBZ5VVRMA9zSSV/s320/emptiness.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I do this every year. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Every year on this day, I add plus one to the count. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Today makes 15. Fifteen years since mom died. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's weird every year. Every year I wonder how it's been so long already...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I miss her, always. Though, after years of contemplation, I finally realized I've had her on a pedestal. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's something we all do when someone we love dies. We forget the awful and remember the good, as I think it should be. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Mom struggled with nameless debilitating health issues for over two decades which meant the whole family was just trying to survive. Our lives were dedicated to her.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The reality for me is that if she were still here, I would likely not have taken all of the chances and opportunities I did. I wouldn't have traveled so much, I wouldn't have lived in two other states and most importantly, I wouldn't be as close to my dad and sister as I am now. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Last year (the 14th year) was a big year because it was the point at which she had been gone longer than she was with me. </div>
<br />
This year is big because, although on some level I always knew it, I'm finally fully realizing and admitting that while her absence has been scarring and I miss her always, dare I say it....<br />
<br />
Life has been better since she's been gone.<br />
<br />
When I say that life has been better, I don't mean that I've been enthralled to not have her here. I'm consistently sad when anything happens that I want to share with her- the good, the bad, the happy, the disheartening...<br />
<br />
Hearing the trite old saying that she's still with me somewhere out there is annoying at times because her being "out there somewhere" is not an acceptable substitute for being "right here to hug me and tell me everything will be fine."<br />
<br />
I'd give anything to have my mother here if she could be happy and healthy, but she rarely ever was for any of the time I knew her. So while I detest trite platitudes, the saying that she's better off because she's not suffering anymore holds some truthful solace.<br />
<br />
This is a big anniversary because it's an intentional step away from grieving.<br />
<br />
<b>I can't spend the rest of my life wishing for something that I will never have again. I can spend the rest of my life grateful that I had it for the time that I did. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Happy 15th year mama. Here's to peace for both of us.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-29294080073514174282013-09-17T15:01:00.000-04:002013-09-17T15:02:13.114-04:00"Sometimes when you lose, you win."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsbEcOZuqz4wl6aTQCe9hDiYvX0NCdT48LGQtFXBhFRgRiTTOQi2y56NSi3I6pjYULrc-gsJbtdv_0sc0ba5xhT8UY9JemrSTayOGKLRxmrKiU0Tg2-74cbhswKoykHKtgmUuPh42dEYZ1/s1600/those+who+love+you.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsbEcOZuqz4wl6aTQCe9hDiYvX0NCdT48LGQtFXBhFRgRiTTOQi2y56NSi3I6pjYULrc-gsJbtdv_0sc0ba5xhT8UY9JemrSTayOGKLRxmrKiU0Tg2-74cbhswKoykHKtgmUuPh42dEYZ1/s320/those+who+love+you.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
This is by far the longest I've gone without writing. Where did a month and a half go?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Generally, I do my best to put myself out there and share even some of my most vulnerable moments, but the last month and a half I felt as though I was being rolled in a giant wave and couldn't figure out which was was up. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Honestly, it's entirely embarrassing. I left my job, my family and friends and Pennsylvania with the goal of finding my passion- that thing that makes me excited to wake up and go do it everyday (or at least not make me wonder if maybe I sold my soul to pay my rent). </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I spent an intensely life changing year in Estes Park, CO (which I seem to have left with impeccable timing as it's a giant flood zone currently) working at a residential high school with incredible teenagers who all had amazing resilience and strength; they taught me more about myself than I would've ever anticipated.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
After a year of being constantly immersed in activity/work and surrounded by people, my fellowship ended and I returned back to Pennsylvania to be with my friends, family, and largely- the man I love. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Initially, it was relief to finally be <i>with</i> my boyfriend, and especially to have the constant stress and frequent sensation that I was failing in being (good) enough alleviated. But as the weeks rolled on, I became increasingly more frustrated not knowing what my next steps were career/work/job wise. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I realized that I hadn't found my passion. Not even close. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Who wants to read about my confused anxious floundering??" I'd ask when questioned about the lack of writing, but then one of my friends said, "Probably a lot of people. You're not the only one who struggles through times like these."</div>
<br />
Oh. Right.<br />
<br />
So, here it is. Even as I'm writing this, I hesitate and wonder if I should delete it all, but who knows- maybe someone out there doesn't need a 'how-to' or some profound revelation/inspiration, maybe they just want to know they aren't the only one wondering what the fuck to do next.<br />
<br />
I realize that it may sound as though I regret returning; however, that couldn't be further from the truth. On the flip side of my angsty wandering/wondering is a revolutionary love that is, baby step by baby step, teaching me to let go and have a little trust in life.<br />
<br />
<br />
I've never been good at waiting. Patience is not one of my (strongest) virtues. From what I can remember, this is the first time in my life I've felt <b>this</b> clueless and still, but that said, I've also never been very good at resting and allowing myself time to process and heal.<br />
<br />
I'm currently in a position where I have the luxury of taking my time to figure out what it is I want so I don't end up in the same place I was in before I moved away (miserable and depressed), while stepping aside to finally attend to some old wounds.<br />
<br />
At this point, I have no clear ideas of where I'm heading... but then again, maybe we don't always need to be heading somewhere. Maybe sometimes we need to learn to be still once in awhile so we're not always missing our lives while looking for the next big thing.<br />
<br />
Maybe this moment <b>IS</b> the big thing.<br />
<br />
And when I stop stressing out about my future for a hot second, I realize <i>just</i> how good my life is .right.now.<br />
<br />Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-38637833518966974752013-07-30T01:13:00.000-04:002013-07-30T01:18:35.682-04:00A Different Kind of Love Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEEZPZJOpWXqcpTQKR8xTB8Pi_rj3pjgEjx9Xxep-73S4kz-AIn0u57Xdo1G_8ltOavoYcHkexqgDyxJFpJjujBJVnA4Ao55ExDtn1eRh2t1RCBRy-2Gjm3b1W35Oz3_LPZ9yJnNNiiAs/s1600/forever+within+the+numbered+days.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEEZPZJOpWXqcpTQKR8xTB8Pi_rj3pjgEjx9Xxep-73S4kz-AIn0u57Xdo1G_8ltOavoYcHkexqgDyxJFpJjujBJVnA4Ao55ExDtn1eRh2t1RCBRy-2Gjm3b1W35Oz3_LPZ9yJnNNiiAs/s320/forever+within+the+numbered+days.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn’t your conventional love story. There is no
“happily ever after,” or, maybe there is… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once upon a time about 10 years ago I met a boy while
visiting a friend in college. Not just any boy, mind you. Admittedly, on the
surface, he looked just as regular as any other boy possibly could- tall and lanky
with dark hair and sincere playful eyes. He liked to write, seek out adventure,
play pranks on his friends and fool gullible girls (me) into believing he could
call squirrels when in reality, he was secretly dropping food behind him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met him in the darkest years of my life; I was reeling
from a great deal of heartache and loss and had more days of not wanting to
wake up than I could count. There were some days I tried not to, but that is a
story for another time and place. He brought laughter and light to my darkness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Under the seemingly regular boy appearance, this particular
boy seemed to possess an uncanny ability to see through to my soul. He saw the
best in me even when it was shrouded by years of abuse and neglect. He told our
mutual friend after our very first meeting, “That is by far the best girl I’ve
ever met in my entire life.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t know that until 3 years later, a week after his
funeral. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What the hell? How depressing. Where’s the love story?!”
you may be thinking, but give me a moment to explain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After 6 (ok, maybe 7) years of anger, frustration,
heart-shattering sorrow and never really allowing anyone to get close- I
finally began to recognize the gift he gave me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This seemingly ordinary boy left me with the lesson of what
it means to love- really truly love someone when they’re not at their best, but
more, what it means to love unabashedly, whole-heartedly, deeply and honestly
with no hesitation and no fear. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My great love story is not one that involves two people
enduring through the years together. Instead, it is a short story where one
brave boy unknowingly taught an unsuspecting girl to let go of her fear and sorrow
in order to love- love people and love the very act of being alive. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His death was a gift in that he taught me that the only
thing we are guaranteed is the very moment we are in. Each and every moment is
of infinite value, and we must strive to permeate each second with as much
awareness and gratitude as possible because we may never get that chance again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, my love story has opened my heart to a new chapter
that involves taking the amazing opportunity to build a relationship with
someone who has captured my heart in a way that hasn’t happened in 10 years. I
don’t know what the future holds, but I can say that this moment I’m in is
abundantly full and is enough in and of itself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…and she lived happily ever after.</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-6981043655226380002013-07-15T16:50:00.001-04:002013-07-15T16:50:48.127-04:00Who Are You?
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHx1JMwj_Y0wEAqVagv__f0oEJku1Toh8KN8IP5p67z9ADr04rraE0S_T1vmpZXJaczr-3gpt34MqY7yiMmRNT4B-tqHAmHD9Rfwxt_u15VH4amqqkddM0_Z0kkE-9EwF20lP8BSULzqak/s1600/mistakes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHx1JMwj_Y0wEAqVagv__f0oEJku1Toh8KN8IP5p67z9ADr04rraE0S_T1vmpZXJaczr-3gpt34MqY7yiMmRNT4B-tqHAmHD9Rfwxt_u15VH4amqqkddM0_Z0kkE-9EwF20lP8BSULzqak/s320/mistakes.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I’m such an
idiot,” I thought one night as I re-analyzed my last mistake for the thousandth
time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A few days later
a few friends and I were discussing how the language we use affects how we see
the world and others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Saying things
like “I am an idiot” versus “I acted like an idiot” attaches a value on us as
a person instead of on the action. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">We hear it
around us all the time, “I am so fat," "I'm really ugly," "I'm so stupid," "I'm such a <o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">klutz," and so on and so forth. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><b>The words "I am" are powerful because they, sometimes without us even realizing it, are defining who we believe we are bit by bit.</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">What we tell ourselves in those milli-moments have a collective impact that influence how we consistently perceive ourselves, and thus how we interact in the world. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Own your actions and take responsibility when you make mistakes, but don't allow your mistakes to define your identity. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Because who you are is not the sum of your mistakes. </span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-66888886013996878402013-07-11T00:05:00.000-04:002013-07-11T00:06:54.497-04:00Home Is Where The Heart Is (Also: The Final Weeks)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmyOx4PeOOcbMS_x_62wgBaZ8i5xOxCCPyiswWeJnqtgJf-hhyphenhyphen869sqHCQcOf3QafSmx7K9KYWPuQi3Qdjnhl0P8qSOUTWZB3pejIzrguwsoT1356VBRnRFJ2mDGMm91O58WAlx99esmwt/s1600/never+let+success+to+your+head+failure+to+your+heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmyOx4PeOOcbMS_x_62wgBaZ8i5xOxCCPyiswWeJnqtgJf-hhyphenhyphen869sqHCQcOf3QafSmx7K9KYWPuQi3Qdjnhl0P8qSOUTWZB3pejIzrguwsoT1356VBRnRFJ2mDGMm91O58WAlx99esmwt/s320/never+let+success+to+your+head+failure+to+your+heart.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="text-align: left;">Nine months ago I left my cozy stable life behind in pursuit of what I hoped would be a better life. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Did I find it?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Yes and no. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's a story that's so popular these days; leave your stable well-paying job, sell all of your things, leave your home, live by the seat of your pants while hoping that the universe really will conspire to assist you once you make a decision (I'm still not so sure of that, Paulo Coelho).</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I've only got 5 weeks left in this too-beautiful-to-be-real living and working space tucked away in the mountains. The last several weeks I've felt completely and utterly excited to start a new chapter of my life mixed with a sense of complete and utter failure. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have just as little clue of what I want to be doing with my life as I did when I arrived. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
In addition, as I reflect on the past several months, I catch myself wondering how much any of what I did really mattered. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Did I just pour everything I could into something only to find it wasn't (good) enough? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Generally, I have the wherewithal to pull myself back into a more rational positive mindset, but lately I've been struggling with everything going on back home for which I'm not present; a death, a major health issue, a struggling wandering heart, a family crisis, and a love. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My friends are an incredible blessing, and even those who are struggling are reminding me that this decision was not a mistake. I've learned lessons here that I may never have learned any other way, and, I have a love reminding me of the home awaiting me. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"You had to leave to find what you really wanted. You know now where your heart is. I know you don't know the specifics of what you'll be doing, but you know where you want to be. You'll figure the rest out, and we'll be here for you." </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So, I guess I lied a little when I said "no" in regards to my opening question. The answer is simply "yes," I did find a better life than the one I had been leading. This one has been full of learning, adventures, new friends, eye-opening experiences and a redefinition of what and where home and love are. Trite as the phrase "home is where the heart is" sounds (and is), it also holds a lot of truth. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And as far as feeling as though what I've done isn't good enough, I have to remember that when we do the best we can, at the end of it all, we have to be ok with accepting that<i> is</i> good enough because it's all we've got. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3ZlKfLhbrbtp6uVp9unNlkAuHdYMal5ybFmSJvetX4AVP8t8dzsu7PA7tQzDk7z7C7zMM4BXhUUg3m9-QRw6dtD3kpNe6LXmlYH6MaYax0AbkADOzJE7_iZ2Ap8-kC-NPDc_GTb6J4Z9/s1600/do+better.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3ZlKfLhbrbtp6uVp9unNlkAuHdYMal5ybFmSJvetX4AVP8t8dzsu7PA7tQzDk7z7C7zMM4BXhUUg3m9-QRw6dtD3kpNe6LXmlYH6MaYax0AbkADOzJE7_iZ2Ap8-kC-NPDc_GTb6J4Z9/s200/do+better.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-38447812130306156922013-07-01T12:40:00.002-04:002013-07-01T12:41:40.792-04:00Latest Tiny Buddha Article: Trusting in the Present When You’ve Been Hurt in the PastPlease check out my latest post: <a href="http://tinybuddha.com/blog/trusting-in-the-present-when-youve-been-hurt-in-the-past/" target="_blank">Trusting in the Present When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past</a> and let me know what you think.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-44174371873064898152013-06-21T03:04:00.000-04:002013-06-21T03:11:28.231-04:00Accepting A New Normal<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRcYOKunkreUJP9OMTvuyTz2nJy6XmaRVcQpQGX5tWMCnFUVmkNLhk8CvttBx4ItfmazDGwnjmjrJ1QhIDDZwO6Qrk6brFH0BTkUTXn0W2_JPVGaprUfMhc6Bi8eVHPN_aF1OpNU-tolnY/s1600/be+happy+with+a+calm+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRcYOKunkreUJP9OMTvuyTz2nJy6XmaRVcQpQGX5tWMCnFUVmkNLhk8CvttBx4ItfmazDGwnjmjrJ1QhIDDZwO6Qrk6brFH0BTkUTXn0W2_JPVGaprUfMhc6Bi8eVHPN_aF1OpNU-tolnY/s1600/be+happy+with+a+calm+life.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">"I doubt whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me- </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">yet I sometimes long for it." -Lord Byron</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
I never thought I'd make it to 20.<br />
<br />
I'm almost 30 now.<br />
<br />
I've spent the majority of my life (sub)consciously planning to take care of myself and not allow anyone to get too close. Don't get me wrong, I have a few amazing friends who I would give my life for, and they for me. When I say "get too close," I mean the type of close who knows every inch of your skin, the weird noises you make at night, the stupid embarrassing things you find hysterical, your most fragile fears and vulnerable sacred hopes.<br />
<br />
The kind of close that could devastate you in moments because they know the tenderest parts of your being.<br />
<br />
After over 2 decades of watching people leave/betray/lie to me in some form or another, I had no intention to ever open up the possibility for someone to do it again.<br />
<br />
...I opened up my life and the possibility for someone to do it again.<br />
<br />
Over dinner with a friend I freaked out saying, "I can't do this. I'm too scared. I've spent so much time making myself ready to live my life alone- to travel and keep moving and not count on anyone and now this person is in my life. What if I let this guy in and trust him and then he just disappears like the rest? I never imagined this would be possible... I thought my life was just going to keep being really fucking hard, and now there's this potential for it to calm down and be happy?? "<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.38; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.38; text-align: left;">He said, "<b>You know, you may have to accept a new normal</b>. Normal for you was not having anyone else there and staying safe in your defenses, but things can change. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.38; text-align: left;">...you also didn't think you'd make it to 20, but here you are almost 30."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.38; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.38; text-align: left;">Oh, right.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="_3hi clearfix" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 14px; text-align: left; zoom: 1;">
<div class="_38 direction_ltr" style="direction: ltr; line-height: 1.38; margin-right: 50px;">
<div style="margin-top: 10px;">
Aside from my absolute fear of being vulnerable and risking getting hurt because as much as we want guarantees someone won't leave us, that's wildly unrealistic- I was also afraid of letting go of my ungrounded wanderluster lifestyle. Is finding a(nother) stable(ish) job, a home, a love and not living by the seat of my pants all of the time going to mean I'll become one of those boring mediocre drones who barely remember any of their lives?</div>
<div style="margin-top: 10px;">
But then I had this realization- I'm not letting anything go aside from what I think is expected of me. I won't become a drone because I've been <strike>cursed</strike> blessed with too many experiences that have driven in the lesson that life is short and we must do our best to LIVE and take nothing for granted. </div>
<div style="margin-top: 10px;">
So here's the truth of the matter. Would I change a second of any of my traveling or moving? Not a chance. Will I stop having the incessant urge to see every bit of the world that I can before I die? Highly unlikely. Do I want a home base and maybe someone to come home to? Yep. Absolutely. </div>
<div style="margin-top: 10px;">
And in order to do that last thing, I need to learn to trust- trust him, trust life and most of all, trust myself.</div>
<div style="margin-top: 10px;">
Here's to happiness in unexpected ways and places, even when, or maybe especially when, it challenges you to really see who you are and grow.</div>
</div>
</div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-66526082248566925472013-06-08T03:34:00.000-04:002013-06-08T03:34:53.844-04:00Starry Night<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0DDcIDNTzWXLA9UyLCrVdi6oYuSo6CJ-3v9cZrvQCT7bJjHSRqpl7scdyqDs86VzTHHViDNjghZic02EgXwaiDCgF0kRJ7MUqFONBtJIAajPiHPWAl9qKn_JuPxyABVKzbryX__t5EKrY/s1600/look+at+the+stars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0DDcIDNTzWXLA9UyLCrVdi6oYuSo6CJ-3v9cZrvQCT7bJjHSRqpl7scdyqDs86VzTHHViDNjghZic02EgXwaiDCgF0kRJ7MUqFONBtJIAajPiHPWAl9qKn_JuPxyABVKzbryX__t5EKrY/s320/look+at+the+stars.jpg" width="246" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
When night falls and the sun has given reign to the moon, look up. I don't mean just look straight ahead. I mean look up so that your neck is tilted back and you could potentially trip because you missed that rock on the ground. It sounds so basic, so easy- just look up. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But how many of us really give any more than a passing glance to the star-lit infinite hanging over our heads at the end of each day? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I spent a large percentage of today (and the last several) driving myself nuts while over-analyzing every situation I could possibly think of, getting engulfed in my 'To-Do' lists and trying to, once again, plan out my entire future all at once.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
As I was walking back to my house late this evening, I felt compelled to look up. I have forgotten to do so for months. When I did, I was greeted by an incredibly sharp clear sky gorged with stars of varying intensities. I remembered immediately why it's so important to slow down, take a deep breath and, even if just for a second, let go of the 8 billion thoughts racing through our heads moment to moment.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's like an instant meditation, a visibly intangible reminder of how infinitely small we are and that at the end of it all, most of what we worry about is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We're so small, and yet every single thing we do creates millions of complex repercussions of which we will likely never know about. Our actions affect everything around us. It's a balance between understanding how profoundly significant we are and how absolutely minuscule we are at the same time. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<b>We're tiny, but we matter.</b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
For me, it's the ultimate reminder to live the best I know how, to love with every ounce of my being and to be completely and utterly grateful for each numbered breath. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKCUFGmE6avn78jGqJcsIfdjf3X-Zphnwm2WUhkpj3XZr-hoNij30gY14ME0_cndzev5ZUZ3MwlK-gPEFhkjUpJ2bYbPD5xG-sfGctiEakHwVIHlFNGNmgjC6x2B-9inH33jjDCphEeHt9/s1600/bearable+only+through+love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKCUFGmE6avn78jGqJcsIfdjf3X-Zphnwm2WUhkpj3XZr-hoNij30gY14ME0_cndzev5ZUZ3MwlK-gPEFhkjUpJ2bYbPD5xG-sfGctiEakHwVIHlFNGNmgjC6x2B-9inH33jjDCphEeHt9/s400/bearable+only+through+love.jpg" width="261" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-18600055651731834712013-05-31T16:58:00.000-04:002013-05-31T17:07:05.289-04:00Love Heals <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaAeOnXI8_eAJE5BL9JjbqoHLS_TWFTpgL7Hn1WIH-_xi1jPZnecWmMUYFN4Ana2VySnilhwTlibSgjfaCw3CyhOC01UfDFY2lv3uvoOsnyHFYK4tFJxaqwgDOiZYALb16Q_FaxjikTdkG/s1600/love+heals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaAeOnXI8_eAJE5BL9JjbqoHLS_TWFTpgL7Hn1WIH-_xi1jPZnecWmMUYFN4Ana2VySnilhwTlibSgjfaCw3CyhOC01UfDFY2lv3uvoOsnyHFYK4tFJxaqwgDOiZYALb16Q_FaxjikTdkG/s320/love+heals.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
What do you think of when you think of the healing process? Does some beautiful light-filled vision enter your mind? ...or, does a long, painful, and sometimes scary process emerge?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sure, healing is a beautiful process; however, it can also be incredibly difficult. Sometimes things look worse before they get better. Sometimes they hurt more intensely than when the wound was initially inflicted. Sometimes you feel weaker before you get stronger. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sometimes healing looks like you're completely falling apart when in actuality, you're putting the pieces together in a whole new way.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
How many of us have been building defense mechanisms for years to avoid getting hurt? We carefully laid bricks of friendly looking detachment and avoidance or abrasive anger and indifference so no one could ever get near, but at some point, we find those bricks are starting to cave in on us. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
What once kept us safe is now what's beginning to crush and suffocate what we were protecting-- ourselves. </div>
<br />
There comes a point when we have to make a decision; continue trying to build walls that are preventing the very things we want most to get in because we keep clinging to the fact that they <i>used </i>to keep us safe, or gather every bit of courage we have and start disassembling years of defenses knowing that that's the only way we can even begin to heal those years of heartache and be open to the incredible joy life has to offer.<br />
<br />
The last few months have been continually new revelations of just how much I've been holding back and pushing away, because due to the unexpected arrival of an incredibly kind and patient someone, I've had to face that I never fully bought into my belief that love heals. Until now.<br />
<br />
I didn't realize that I was still nursing so many of my old wounds because instead of letting them heal, I tried to pretend they didn't exist. Denial was easy when I wasn't allowing anyone close enough to challenge me.<br />
<br />
For the most part, it has been a happy process, but, there are some days when my fears get the best of me and I want to bolt back into my old comfortable crumbling walls. I have moments of complete and utter panic because, "what if I foolishly step outside of my walls and get hurt in the same stupid ways all over again? What if my half-stitched scars get torn open?"<br />
<br />
Necessary and amazing as it is, there are times when it's uncomfortable, awkward, difficult and sometimes flat out embarrassing. It would be easier to keep avoiding it all, but then, what kind of profoundly life-changing depth and meaning would I miss out on because I was too afraid to be vulnerable enough to heal?<br />
<br />
Day by day, fear by fear, he's helping me to learn how to trust and step out of the walls that were keeping me from experiencing a sacred part of life that I hoped existed, but didn't really believe in, or at least, didn't believe would exist for me.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, love heals whether I always believe it or not.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-55092211734269152592013-05-20T14:03:00.000-04:002013-05-20T14:05:56.837-04:00Blood and Water (part 2)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ00tcf7zTIWv1iHbzIuWyErymAiRDk0hlgSY-hC8inexUbqSfCZnIF4-Lv7y0896vz_ltVp_pEAhCFznmg64RF4sW7uURSmgy82v9Ii-fU6tam3t8EA9LutRplA_bonxYY7LNaI11esR3/s1600/walk+away+or+try+harder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ00tcf7zTIWv1iHbzIuWyErymAiRDk0hlgSY-hC8inexUbqSfCZnIF4-Lv7y0896vz_ltVp_pEAhCFznmg64RF4sW7uURSmgy82v9Ii-fU6tam3t8EA9LutRplA_bonxYY7LNaI11esR3/s320/walk+away+or+try+harder.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: left;">How do you know when to hold on or let go? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">For the last 10 years, I've been pursing communication with
my biological family in hopes of meeting them one day. Sporadic emails over
time seemed to be leading up to that point until a few months ago when I received
the translation of my father's most recent email that may change the course of
everything... </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I tried to write about it all just days after, but found I
had to walk away from it all for a while. I had no answers, and still don't;
however, one thing I've learned through this process is that the possibility
exists that </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>perhaps all of that searching
was just to find that I no longer needed to be searching</b></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have
people that love me, want me in their lives, and will make every effort to be
in contact with me regardless of how busy they are. Why should I continue
chasing after a "family" that would easily fall away as soon as I
cease to make any effort? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>Sure, people have their arguments that I need to find my roots, and I agree to a point; however, not everyone's story is the same. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's ok if my roots were transplanted and I'm happy with where I'm grounding now. </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many of us have the driving need to have closure to every situation, but life doesn't always give us the closed ending for which we hope. Sometimes we have to learn to be ok with an outcome that ends with an ellipses instead of a period.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this case, for now, I'm letting it go. I have the opportunity to build a family here with people I love and who love me in return. After a decade of chasing what's left me continually feeling confused, drained and empty, I'd rather pour myself into what will contribute to making my life happy and full.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe one day I'll resume pursing my bloodline, or maybe I'll find that what I have here is enough in and of itself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">"</span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 21px;">The old saying goes that we all have two families—the one we’re born with, and the one we find along the way. For some of us, the family we’ve found is everything, and enough."</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small; line-height: 21px;">(From the article: <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2013/02/18/npr-host-steve-inskeep-on-his-two-adoptions.html" target="_blank">My Modern Family</a>)</span></div>
<br />
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-22338642781233924822013-05-19T23:39:00.001-04:002013-05-19T23:39:52.911-04:00Very Inspiring Blogger Award <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">I woke up today to the unexpectedly pleasant surprise of having received the "Very Inspiring Blogger Award" from </span><a href="https://wheninnewplaces.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/very-inspiring-blogger-award/#comment-264" style="text-align: -webkit-auto;" target="_blank">When In New Places</a><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">. Quite serendipitous to have an expat living in Korea teaching English randomly connect with me, no? </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCc4iJCLJzy5mJRoOgHoDxpixNvZoxF73p7wEuVxBCaHOjgxwG2rPVYrCi9ZHxPZ5yzvoTOU4stwU2c9FtZXpG9KirJWoT7yxB7LiJQA19HJtRZ_zx247R0C6bTSCkS6Ty1MkjNgX1Tb-1/s1600/very-inspiring-blogger-award.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCc4iJCLJzy5mJRoOgHoDxpixNvZoxF73p7wEuVxBCaHOjgxwG2rPVYrCi9ZHxPZ5yzvoTOU4stwU2c9FtZXpG9KirJWoT7yxB7LiJQA19HJtRZ_zx247R0C6bTSCkS6Ty1MkjNgX1Tb-1/s320/very-inspiring-blogger-award.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 21px;">The rules of accepting the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are:</span><br />
<br />
<ol style="background-color: white; border: 0px; line-height: 21px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 0px 1.75em 3.1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 2.1em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Display the Award Certificate on your website.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 2.1em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented you with the award.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 2.1em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 2.1em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Drop them a comment to tip them off after you have linked them in the post.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 2.1em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Post 7 interesting things about yourself.</span></li>
</ol>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 33px;">And now to pass on the honor:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 33px;">1. <a href="http://www.amberkane.com/" target="_blank">Amber Kane</a></span></div>
<div>
2. <a href="http://www.hecktictravels.com/" target="_blank">Hecktic Travels</a></div>
<div>
3. <a href="http://heyamberrae.com/" target="_blank">Hey Amber Rae</a></div>
<div>
4. <a href="http://revolutiongratitude.com/" target="_blank">Revolution Gratitude</a></div>
<div>
5. <a href="http://youareit.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">You Are It</a></div>
<div>
6. <a href="http://zahndrew.com/" target="_blank">The Creatives</a></div>
<div>
7. <a href="http://www.woodstovehouse.com/category/blog/" target="_blank">Wood Stove House</a></div>
<div>
8. <a href="http://www.amberdegrace.com/" target="_blank">Tickling My Fancy</a></div>
<div>
9. <a href="http://fleurdemoi.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Fleur De Moi</a></div>
<div>
10. </div>
<div>
11.</div>
<div>
12.</div>
<div>
13.</div>
<div>
14.</div>
<div>
15.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I'm apparently kinda lame, and I only have 9. Please feel free to suggest other awesome blogs that I should check out sometime. ^_^</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Seven Interesting Things About Myself:</div>
<div>
1. I was imported from Seoul, Korea.</div>
<div>
2. Once upon a time I used to (try to) spin fire.</div>
<div>
3. I'm a giant nerd at heart. (Lord of the Rings, anyone?)</div>
<div>
4. Internationally, I've traveled to Ireland, Italy, Belize and Kenya.</div>
<div>
5. I'm not satisfied with #4 and have a pretty wicked case of wanderlust.</div>
<div>
6. In my past lives I've been a barista, bartender, server, fitness counselor, logistics management specialist, yoga teacher and an intern counselor.</div>
<div>
7. In spite of #6, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.</div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-32879065718025306642013-05-08T10:18:00.001-04:002013-05-08T10:18:09.514-04:00New Post on Tiny Buddha!Check out my latest post on tiny buddha: <a href="http://tinybuddha.com/blog/find-peace-today-stop-worrying-about-what-you-might-lose/" target="_blank"> Find Peace Today: Stop Worrying About What You Might Lose</a>Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-49043993063931295032013-05-07T18:19:00.001-04:002013-05-07T18:19:20.912-04:00That Month Long Gap<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid9sfigWP9row7JaSLgBpTyYNa1HkrJIkHf1P1ZqIoNrOb_UY7rhjdLp23H_H0oLw8jDbKQ1foQE1-HmMkwYOMHxYyKeRmaep9cvUVD2BtMRbc1cc4xzRurEYVoU5RZnPq7gVZqeRWhMdd/s1600/rest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid9sfigWP9row7JaSLgBpTyYNa1HkrJIkHf1P1ZqIoNrOb_UY7rhjdLp23H_H0oLw8jDbKQ1foQE1-HmMkwYOMHxYyKeRmaep9cvUVD2BtMRbc1cc4xzRurEYVoU5RZnPq7gVZqeRWhMdd/s400/rest.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's been awhile since my last post, huh? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It certainly hasn't been for the lack of thoughts and ideas. I just haven't known how to verbalize any of them. Some of them have been too heavy for me to carry, so I let them go for now... </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
During lunch with a friend several weeks ago, we discussed our concern for having not been doing the things we love- for her photography and me writing. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"What's up with that?? I feel as though I'm losing some of myself, " she mused. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I agreed and wondered why I hadn't been able to spit a single word out in weeks in spite of having so much to say. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
After a few moments of considering our dilemma, <b>I wondered if maybe times that feel "dry" or "blocked" are actually a necessary part of our creative process.</b> Perhaps sometimes we need to step back from whatever our craft is, regardless of how much we love it, to give ourselves time to rest, process, and allow new inspiration to find its way into our lives without us feeling as though we need to control how it enters and in what way. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<b>Maybe what appears to be lacking is actually finding new depth</b> through a necessary hiatus from directly working and allowing ourselves to just do what seems right for the time even when it seems to be the opposite of what we think we should be doing.<br />
<br />
That said, hopefully after a month of silence, some of the words that have been pent up will find a coherent way to assemble themselves into expression. Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-57582917734268251942013-04-07T13:56:00.002-04:002013-04-07T13:58:16.024-04:00Tiny Triumphs on Tiny Buddha<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV0VJ5mlI7oChj8N2O0vXKx2xysIBheawajVp6o9OOeI7H4tJyUsYhD42NLHP3OesOwIWGe3XqB9-vs5GUe9ZcWraJQF4VxfhEtzrlNiUZvm2anwqAmC_B-Jerep6RdK5494SWpddJuE2x/s1600/our+deepest+fear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="273" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV0VJ5mlI7oChj8N2O0vXKx2xysIBheawajVp6o9OOeI7H4tJyUsYhD42NLHP3OesOwIWGe3XqB9-vs5GUe9ZcWraJQF4VxfhEtzrlNiUZvm2anwqAmC_B-Jerep6RdK5494SWpddJuE2x/s400/our+deepest+fear.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(Picture <a href="http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Love-Miracles-and-More-10-Tweet-Tweets-from-Marianne-Williamson" target="_blank">source</a>)</span></div>
<br />
April 6, 2013- I woke up to an influx of emails, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/haiku.kwon?ref=tn_tnmn" target="_blank">Facebook</a> friend requests, followers on <a href="https://twitter.com/HaikuKwon" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, and hits on my blog. Confused, in my half-awake haze, I sift through them trying to figure out if maybe I had been spammed.<br />
<br />
Then it hit me. "My submission to <a href="http://www.tinybuddha.com/" target="_blank">tiny buddha</a> must have gone live!"<br />
<br />
I check the site, and sure enough, there it was; my first piece published on a site that is not owned by a friend.<br />
<br />
Throughout the course of the day I was able to interact with people from all over the world who had read my post. I never would have expected such a massive positive response. I was honored and humbled to read stories of similar loss, of travel and adventure, of starting over again, of newfound passions and joys...<br />
<br />
Did that just happen?<br />
<br />
Did I really finally put a piece of my writing out there for the world to see?<br />
<br />
Did I really just connect with people from all over the world because of the blog post (<a href="http://tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-what-were-missing-our-lives-are-already-complete/" target="_blank">Finding What We're Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete</a>) I submitted?<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It may seem like no big deal to many, but for a girl who has been too afraid to put something she loves so much out into the open, it was huge. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yesterday a friend said to me, "You hold yourself back from putting your writing out there, even though you've wanted to do it for half your life and've been told that it's good, but on the other hand you'll leave your life and job here and head out into the unknown..."</span></span><br />
<br />
It took me the next 15 hours or so to process that, and this afternoon I finally admitted to myself (and him) that yep, I've definitely been spending a lot of time and energy avoiding that one thing my heart has been telling me to do <i>for years</i>.<br />
<br />
The funny thing about fear is that it sounds exceptionally rational. In my head, "I want to be a writer" sounded horrifically similar to saying, "I wanna be a rockstar." That in conjunction with my underlying insecurities ranging from, "I have nothing worth saying" to "Of course my friends and family say I write well- they're supposed to say that. Maybe they just don't really know what good writing looks like..." joined together to keep me silent. <br />
<br />
So, I set out to do everything but write.<br />
<br />
It has taken me years of floundering, miserable jobs, hopeless looking nights, traveling to other countries, and moving across the U.S. to finally set the stage to have the realization that in spite of saying I wasn't running away from myself, I really was.<br />
<br />
What? Shit. Really? Yep.<br />
<br />
Now what?<br />
<br />
I keep going in spite of all the old lingering fears and the new ones creeping in. I keep putting myself out there and believe that what I have to offer just might help someone else. I believe that I deserve to do what I love.<br />
<br />
When I say I was running from myself, I am by no means saying that all of the steps leading up to this moment were superfluous. On the contrary, each and every step was entirely necessary to reach this point. And oddly, I wasn't running from my problems- I was running from my talents.<br />
<br />
What the hell was I supposed to do if I put them out there and they didn't fail, but succeeded? It's easier to rationalize a failure than a success. <b>When you succeed, you have to own your strength, your beauty, your brilliance, and your responsibility to humbly offer what you have to give. </b><br />
<br />
And for someone who has struggled with feeling the need to be worth the space she inhabits, it's much easier to be a failure and recede into the comfort of anonymity than to own up and face my own light.<br />
<br />
This milestone was confirmation that there is a path that I must follow. My sister and I discussed that perhaps instead of thinking about life in terms of goals and how we want it to look, we should shift our focus onto how we want it to feel. I had a vague idea of how I wanted to feel day to day, but no idea what would draw that into my life... until now.<br />
<br />
Writing makes the hours feel like minutes. It combines everything I love into one package that I can share with others, and in turn, it returns to me with a profound sense of accomplishment, value, and peace. And what's more, it is beginning to bridge a gap by drawing in like-minded people who amaze me with their own incredible stories.<br />
<br />
This is the first time in my life I've thought, "This is it. This is what I want to feel like every day." I want to be connecting with other people and making the world seem just a little less lonely for all of us. I want to be a hub for sharing inspiration, motivation, and encouragement.<br />
<br />
Who knew such a seemingly insignificant act would draw in the energy needed for me to finally work through yet another one of my long-lived fears.<br />
<br />
Here's to pursing our true love and passion (even if/when it takes us years to face it), and to each and every one of you who inspires me to keep going.<br />
<br />
Cheers.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-71154355713531464892013-03-25T17:44:00.000-04:002013-03-26T01:58:53.779-04:00A Place in This World<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMujgKP9GdLEG46J83TlhtGI-SF0pH1aDSR0Bm3DGTLMm1h3DU204vLVJ68YbOOy68ooD30jpbhTb2ZIQmvG6brcpiqQ-n44IfaFU96zP6wxVkhW2J41MBQbIikiXmgGDJdAJ9HTzcf-Pl/s1600/will+not+love+you+long+time.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMujgKP9GdLEG46J83TlhtGI-SF0pH1aDSR0Bm3DGTLMm1h3DU204vLVJ68YbOOy68ooD30jpbhTb2ZIQmvG6brcpiqQ-n44IfaFU96zP6wxVkhW2J41MBQbIikiXmgGDJdAJ9HTzcf-Pl/s320/will+not+love+you+long+time.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #171717; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(Picture from the article: </span><a href="http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/america%E2%80%99s-korean-adoptees-part-3-dating-inside-and-out" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" target="_blank">Korean Adoptees, Part 3: Dating Inside and Out</a><span style="color: #171717; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">)</span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It hasn't been until the last year or so that I've begun to dig deeper into the part of my identity that I so boldly wear on my face, but ignore otherwise. I'm nearly considered an adult now. It's time to put on my big girl pants and confront myself. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">At the beginning of the month, I received the translation of the latest letter my biological father had written to me. I had all but forgotten about it until tonight. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, that's sort of a lie. I didn't quite forget, but after a cursory review of it, I didn't read any further in depth. I read it the way I'd read a story about a stranger's life, and then promptly dropped it in case it would start to sink in that it was, in fact, not about a stranger. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A couple of weeks later, I had a conversation with one of the staff members here about what I've been struggling with in terms of reconciling my 'too Asian to be white and too white to be Asian' issue</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">as well as a bit about my apprehensions in visiting Korea to meet my family. She put me in touch with another Korean girl in LA who was a fellow at the school a few years ago. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Nervously I composed my first email thinking, "What the fuck am I doing? Am I just going to pour out my life story to this poor unsuspecting stranger? What am I even trying to accomplish??" Thankfully, she was perfectly accepting and was, mercifully, better at directing the conversation than I was. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">After the exchange of several emails and a phone call, she sent me a list of resources for Korean adoptees. In this list contained a 4-part essay addressing several issues faced by Korean adoptees in the U.S. (If you have a moment, check them out. They're good for a different perspective. And for those of you who are close to me, they're another way to understand me. <a href="http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/americas-adopted-koreans-part-1-whats-your-name" target="_blank">What's Your Name?</a>, <a href="http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/americas-adopted-koreans-part-2-when-adoption-became-visible" target="_blank">When Adoption Became Visible</a>, <a href="http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/america%E2%80%99s-korean-adoptees-part-3-dating-inside-and-out" target="_blank">Dating Inside and Out</a>, and <a href="http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/america%E2%80%99s-korean-adoptees-part-4-return-to-the-motherland" target="_blank">Return to the Motherland</a>)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Shit. That's me. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">I read each part, and then read them again. "Holy shit," I thought to myself. "These are my thoughts and feelings written out by someone else." </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">As I was reading the third essay, I came across the quote, </span></span><span style="color: #171717; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px;">"As much as I know my birth mother gave me a better life by putting me up for adoption, and as much as I'm grateful for my adoptive parents for doing so much for me… Do you ever feel like no matter how much someone will love you, there may be a day where they'll just leave?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">All.the.fucking.time. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Looking back over the last 29 years, there's never been any question by me, or those who love me that I have a deeply embedded fear of being abandoned stemming from the adoption. A few people have brazenly suggested that, because I was adopted as a baby, it doesn't really affect me. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Sure, right. I wasn't 11 years old. That unquestionably comes with its own set of obstacles. That said, who thinks about the ramifications of being inside a mother who is profoundly depressed and anxious for 9 months? About being born and instead of being surrounded by excitement, joy, and love- being met with disappointment, sorrow, and regret? About the first 3-4 months in an orphanage where no one knows if anyone responded to me when I cried?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">The people who were supposed to love me forever rejected me the moment they saw me.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">It's something I've been working on, and though I've come a long way, I know I still have a long way to go. Thankfully, I am blessed to have a few who love me deeply and have spent years by my side gently coaxing and convincing me that I'm stuck with them.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><b>Love changes everything. </b>It might be slowly, but it brings light where there was none.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">After processing what I read, I remembered the letter from my father. After nearly a month, I finally went back to actually read it. </span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"...And when I gave you over to Holt Child welfare agency I requested that your name be sent to America with you. However the employee changed the name I gave you "HyoJin" to an American name against my request. About the circumstances regarding your adoption... I was the eleventh generation of a "Kwon" and being the first born and without a son, my great grandmother threatened that if you were a daughter that she would force me to take a concubine so that it is why we eventually chose to send you off to be adopted, not because we had no money to perform an abortion. That isn't correct. I sincerely hope there is no misunderstanding about this."</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">(The files the agency sent with me said the reason for relinquishment was that my parents couldn't afford to have me abort. It also said I was the third girl. I was actually the fifth and final attempt to have a boy.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">The weight of the Korean culture forced my family to send me off into a world where I would spend many years struggling to find a place to belong. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Day by day, moment by moment, I am finding my way into what I want for myself and my life. I'm learning what's important to me, and in a weird way, such a brutal form of rejection has been a blessing. It has allowed me to pull close what I know I want in my life in spite of the fear. I have a family who, in spite of our many years of distance and heartache, have been growing closer as times goes by, and a few precious friends who are not scared of my past or the parts that are still vulnerable and healing.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">I haven't found that place that feels like home yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe this journey is home, and once I realize it, all my years of searching will find a place to rest.</span></span></div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-71022087648070802112013-03-22T12:06:00.001-04:002013-03-22T12:08:01.465-04:00No Title. Just Thoughts.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyfiQ1oLuYqABXK-DhcywVtWlZXMmSIUtzJ9btLCPQ0iq6SHEz88ThfQQ_vZDI1tmu0pM__qDUtAtrppgtvDJv2Imqy_azFoI8gr2qlPwtCJR6xg7xXXXDvQGR_Hxu7GVA_Lkobk8_ZloQ/s1600/heavy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyfiQ1oLuYqABXK-DhcywVtWlZXMmSIUtzJ9btLCPQ0iq6SHEz88ThfQQ_vZDI1tmu0pM__qDUtAtrppgtvDJv2Imqy_azFoI8gr2qlPwtCJR6xg7xXXXDvQGR_Hxu7GVA_Lkobk8_ZloQ/s320/heavy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Are you ok? You look really tired."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I feel as though I've been hearing that more as of late... </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Probably because it's true. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have been tired. I've felt drained and too full. I need an outlet and to be refilled. I need to be held and to be left alone. I need to breathe and let it all go. For the moment, anyway. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
In the chaos of the daily grind, I say very little about my own life- my personal challenges and the things that weigh heavy on my heart and mind. "Ain't nobody got time fo dat," as my students would say. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But at some point, I'm going to need to make time for that.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
For now, for today, I have some situations to take care of. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
In 25(ish) days I will be home. It's funny to think about how I struggled to get out of PA for nearly 7 years, and that's where I return to find comfort and rest.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
What will I need most upon my return? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
To laugh. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-78592141254618301862013-03-11T17:21:00.000-04:002013-03-11T17:34:34.078-04:00The Art of Space<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To put the world in order, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We must first put the nation in order;</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To put the nation in order, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We must put the family in order; </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To put the family in order,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We must cultivate our personal life;</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And to cultivate our personal life,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>We must first set our hearts right.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">-Confucius</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What if revolutionizing the world lies in our personal relationships- with ourselves and the people with whom we interact everyday? What if it starts unintentionally in a casual setting because there's space for conversation to organically carve the way through to what matters most to each one of us?</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What if leaving open time and space instead of setting rigid agendas and goals is what we need to cultivate creativity and accelerate innovation?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What if setting goals actually inhibits our ability to unabashedly reach for our dreams by overly narrowing our focus?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm not saying that we should never set goals or agendas, nor am I suggesting that we should sit around silently doing nothing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What I am saying is that so often we frantically run around attempting to force improvements, conversations, advances, relationships, revolutions- when in reality what we need is to create an environment where people are able to just be- just be- just for a moment. I realize it seems counterintuitive. I'm asking you to, instead of looking and sounding busy every.single.second, sit still, be silent, and allow all of the genius swirling around inside of you have a moment to materialize and manifest naturally in its own time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have you ever noticed that some of your best ideas and most profound epiphanies don't come when you're being told to conjure them on command, but instead surface in some of the most unexpected moments when you're doing something else- showering, riding a bike, talking with a friend over a beer (or froyo, as was the case when this entire train of thought initially began).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">There's great value in goal setting. I also believe there's </span>immeasureable<span style="font-family: inherit;"> value in allowing open space for the unexpected to occur. </span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Last week, I asked a friend what was important to him. His response? Leisure. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My initial reaction was, "really?," but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps he's got it right. Leisure, from what I took from his response, is that open space to bring people together and just be. From there, a multitude of experiences and conversations have room to unfold in a way they'd never be able to in a structured setting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm about to ask a mind blowing question. Ready?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What if our work/jobs don't have to have the goal of being revolutionary world-changing phenomenons? What if it's ok that what we do to make money isn't necessarily something we're passionately obsessed with, but simply serves as a means to sustain what we <i>are</i> </span>passionately<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span>obsessed<span style="font-family: inherit;"> with? What if that could be just as effective in contributing to a brighter and happier world because a bunch of people are cultivating joy in their lives albeit not through a job? What if learning to balance acceptance and contentment with where we are and striving for more is how we change the world? What if changing the world shouldn't be our focus at all?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Allow me to make one thing clear: those whose work is their obsession- that's awesome. But for those of us who haven't found that niche, are we to constantly feel like unfulfilled failures because we can't proclaim the glories of our profession to the world? I get the argument that our jobs take up a very large percentage of our lives so we should do something that we enjoy, but my point is that we could spend a very large portion of our lives feeling like failures always looking for the next thing while searching for our bliss. That seems like a grand waste of time to me. Maybe it's ok to be ok (happy, even) where we are <i>while </i>being open to other possibilities.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
That said, I'm also not saying that we should stay in miserable soul-sucking-spirit-crushing jobs just for the money either. <b>There has to be a worthwhile balance.</b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I ask this because it is a journey I've been exploring, and the answer I've arrived at? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No. Not knowing does not equate to failure.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have I found my calling yet? Nope. Is that ok? Yep. I've had some pretty incredible experiences on the journey along the </span>way. I've learned lessons that I wouldn't trade for the world.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What if I never find a way to reconcile what I love to do with how I pay my bills? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think that's ok as long as we keep making space to do what we love- to do what makes us happy and makes the hours fly by as though they were seconds.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And who knows? Maybe in that space, an unexpected transition will happen and we'll find that what we love and our work become indistinguishable from each other.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What's the point of all of </span>this? Simply, that while setting out to change the world sounds like a righteous goal, <b>maybe changing the world starts with us learning to make our own tiny universes better by loving each other and ourselves to the best of our ability by being true to what we believe and know is best for our lives instead of being governed by what we are told we "should" do- even when it sounds noble. </b>Maybe it's ok to sit back and enjoy being around each other without feeling as though we need to charge out and save the world as our profession. Who knows, a life-changing-world-altering idea could come out of nowhere, or maybe, we'll form closer stronger bonds with those around us.<br />
<br />
Maybe that's where revolution really begins.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2637528595647032109.post-24690554409590530662013-03-11T04:00:00.001-04:002013-03-11T04:13:01.552-04:00Out on the Edge (also: A Continuation on Uncertainty)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKeNPMo1wOmeM5xriwI4ounB8EHlY7E2TS_ckEXLIZCX1Vnjifmvb5PfisVl64eNJSeSqn5HXtuK8zE8fNmX153ApCfzjmbQcESHFiB85eOaJVpNoZBehqRmdYdOGSRneSivOSI04WIJfg/s1600/out+on+the+edge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKeNPMo1wOmeM5xriwI4ounB8EHlY7E2TS_ckEXLIZCX1Vnjifmvb5PfisVl64eNJSeSqn5HXtuK8zE8fNmX153ApCfzjmbQcESHFiB85eOaJVpNoZBehqRmdYdOGSRneSivOSI04WIJfg/s320/out+on+the+edge.jpg" width="314" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Today, I went to my first yoga class in months.</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">It was -exactly- what I needed both in asana and in focus. I walked out with this thought resounding in my head:</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">True living lies in surrender to uncertainty.</b><br />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">We can plan all we want, but in the end, our lives will take twists and turns for which we could have never been able to foresee. My fears about my future being 'uncertain' are a straw man with no real substance. Why? Because my future never had any certainty, even when I thought it did, and the certainty I thought I had was looking rather bleak.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Being out on the edge is as honest as you can get with life. Out on the edge is where you are open to discover your passion, reveal a new talent, and maybe even find the love of your life. The most rewarding experiences in life carry with them great risk. A new job, a new love, a new baby, a new house... Nothing is guaranteed to not fall apart. </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">The beauty lies in our ability to accept the outcome, and if need be, learn to rebuild.</b><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #20124d; font-family: Arvo; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">So often the word "uncertain" conjures negative connotations in our heads, but uncertainty can bring a world of positive opportunity. We fear "uncertain" because we don't know what's around the bend, but what's around the bend may be exactly what we need- it could be that thing that transforms your entire life for the better.</span><br />
<br />
In the end, one of our greatest lessons will be to learn to surrender- to let go- and allow life to offer everything it has to give and everything it has to teach us without imposing what we think 'should' happen. When we surrender, we open ourselves to infinite possibility, and in turn, we make peace with an uncertain path.Haiku Kwonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01313734465491978011noreply@blogger.com2