Tiny Triumphs on Tiny Buddha

(Picture source)

April 6, 2013- I woke up to an influx of emails, Facebook friend requests, followers on Twitter, and hits on my blog. Confused, in my half-awake haze, I sift through them trying to figure out if maybe I had been spammed.

Then it hit me. "My submission to tiny buddha must have gone live!"

I check the site, and sure enough, there it was; my first piece published on a site that is not owned by a friend.

Throughout the course of the day I was able to interact with people from all over the world who had read my post. I never would have expected such a massive positive response. I was honored and humbled to read stories of similar loss, of travel and adventure, of starting over again, of newfound passions and joys...

Did that just happen?

Did I really finally put a piece of my writing out there for the world to see?

Did I really just connect with people from all over the world because of the blog post (Finding What We're Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete) I submitted?

It may seem like no big deal to many, but for a girl who has been too afraid to put something she loves so much out into the open, it was huge. 

Yesterday a friend said to me, "You hold yourself back from putting your writing out there, even though you've wanted to do it for half your life and've been told that it's good, but on the other hand you'll leave your life and job here and head out into the unknown..."

It took me the next 15 hours or so to process that, and this afternoon I finally admitted to myself (and him) that yep, I've definitely been spending a lot of time and energy avoiding that one thing my heart has been telling me to do for years.

The funny thing about fear is that it sounds exceptionally rational. In my head, "I want to be a writer" sounded horrifically similar to saying, "I wanna be a rockstar." That in conjunction with my underlying insecurities ranging from, "I have nothing worth saying" to "Of course my friends and family say I write well- they're supposed to say that. Maybe they just don't really know what good writing looks like..." joined together to keep me silent.

So, I set out to do everything but write.

It has taken me years of floundering, miserable jobs, hopeless looking nights, traveling to other countries, and moving across the U.S. to finally set the stage to have the realization that in spite of saying I wasn't running away from myself, I really was.

What? Shit. Really? Yep.

Now what?

I keep going in spite of all the old lingering fears and the new ones creeping in. I keep putting myself out there and believe that what I have to offer just might help someone else. I believe that I deserve to do what I love.

When I say I was running from myself, I am by no means saying that all of the steps leading up to this moment were superfluous. On the contrary, each and every step was entirely necessary to reach this point. And oddly, I wasn't running from my problems- I was running from my talents.

What the hell was I supposed to do if I put them out there and they didn't fail, but succeeded? It's easier to rationalize a failure than a success. When you succeed, you have to own your strength, your beauty, your brilliance, and your responsibility to humbly offer what you have to give. 

And for someone who has struggled with feeling the need to be worth the space she inhabits, it's much easier to be a failure and recede into the comfort of anonymity than to own up and face my own light.

This milestone was confirmation that there is a path that I must follow. My sister and I discussed that perhaps instead of thinking about life in terms of goals and how we want it to look, we should shift our focus onto how we want it to feel. I had a vague idea of how I wanted to feel day to day, but no idea what would draw that into my life... until now.

Writing makes the hours feel like minutes. It combines everything I love into one package that I can share with others, and in turn, it returns to me with a profound sense of accomplishment, value, and peace. And what's more, it is beginning to bridge a gap by drawing in like-minded people who amaze me with their own incredible stories.

This is the first time in my life I've thought, "This is it. This is what I want to feel like every day." I want to be connecting with other people and making the world seem just a little less lonely for all of us. I want to be a hub for sharing inspiration, motivation, and encouragement.

Who knew such a seemingly insignificant act would draw in the energy needed for me to finally work through yet another one of my long-lived fears.

Here's to pursing our true love and passion (even if/when it takes us years to face it), and to each and every one of you who inspires me to keep going.

Cheers.

Follow Your Bliss

What is bliss to you? Is it your family? Your friends? A vast ocean? A deep endless forest? An infinite night sky? A feeling you get when there's nothing more you want because you can hear your own voice above the masses and know you are finally on the path that resonates with your own sense of reason?

Yesterday I spent the day with my friends in Boulder, CO meditating on bliss, making amazing new connections, eating an absolutely sublime brunch, then hiking a lush trail while contemplating what I had meditated on earlier.

What is bliss to me? That. Everything that happened yesterday filled me with a sense of renewal, joy, peace, and complete contentment. It was another confirmation that my, at the time, terrifying decision to change my life was the right one.

A giant smile spreads across my face every time I remember that I regained my freedom by taking back the responsibility for my life. I am no longer living by what other people think I should be doing. I cannot be controlled by money, social expectations of where I should be, or false hierarchies of power built on fear.

Back in June I wrote about putting your dreams and intentions out there in Are You Having the Right Conversation? and 7 months later I am still finding how imperative it is to never stop having that conversation. As I've said so many times before, I love travel, cooking, writing, and making new connections with people. In the past several months, I have been meeting people who share those passions because I've been putting it out there. I talk about it, write about it, dream about it, and post about it on Facebook (apologies to my friends whose News Feeds are flooded with it).

Yesterday, after many failed attempts to hang out, I finally connected with a new friend who shares the same love of travel, adventure, meaningful conversations, and meeting new people as I do, and next week we will discuss how we can collaborate to take those things out into the world.

How freaking exciting is that? These things would likely have never happened had I stayed in my windowless cube working to have enough money to mask my misery.

I can hardly wait to see how these events all play out over the next year. I have feeling that a new adventure is brewing on the horizon.

Are You Having the Right Conversation?

What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean "right" conversation?

Here, let me explain. Up until about 7 months ago, I was having all of the "wrong" conversations. I was depressed and miserable. It's all I thought about. It's all I talked about. My co-workers and I commiserated countless hours about how much we hated our jobs. We talked about how much we hated our jobs when we weren't at work. I even talked about it to people who didn't work with me outside of work. It pervaded every aspect of my life. People say that work is just a fraction of your life, but here's the thing: It's a very LARGE fraction of your life, and if you hate that large of a fraction, it is inevitably going to taint the rest of your life too.

November 2011, I made a decision to gather every bit of resolve I had, stop bitching about my shitty situation, and change my life. I never used to subscribe to the cheesy sounding phrases like, “At the moment of commitment the entire universe conspires to assist you.” (Goethe) or “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” (Coehlo).

"Bullshit." I always thought to myself.

But here I am 7 months after making the decision to blindly step out and accept the consequences of defying all rational sounding logic and reason, and found the need to revise my perception of what I used to dub 'cheesy new agey bullshit.' Since I've begun taking steps to pursue a passionate meaningful path, I've been meeting others who are doing the same- sometimes in the most unexpected times and places. Every one of these connections has had a gift to offer, whether it was another connection, a lead into something that might be interesting/productive (which is how I found and landed the fellowship), encouragment and/or inspiration for my journey.

A friend and I were discussing the parallels in our lives, and I told him what I just told you. His response:

"The universe conspiring? Yeah, I thought that was bullshit, too. All I can say is that I've learned to rethink that. I don't even think it's that cryptic. I just think that when you're NOT having the right conversation and expressing your dreams and interests, then you don't see opportunities that are all around you all the time."

When I read that, I stopped and thought, "Oh my gosh. Without even realizing it, my vocabulary has changed completely." I've (mostly) stopped bitching about my job and now when I speak, it's about the changes I've been making and about the passion I'm purusing. It's about living life to the fullest- I mean REALLY living it, and not just ferverntly swearing you're going to live it after someone dies and forgetting about the resolve a few months later.

Because I stopped stifling myself with my own dark depressing confines, I opened up and am able to have productive conversations with others who share in the desire to lead lives of passionate meaning and joy. Those conversations spark inspiration, hold me accountable, and propel me forward.

So here's a challenge- watch your conversations over the next week. Are they confining and limiting or are they encouraging and expansive? Do you feel depressed and heavy or inspired and energetic? Make an effort to mindfully change the way you speak. Put your dreams and desires out there- they have a way of coming back to you with quality company and opportunities attached.