Leading an Adventurous Life... in My Own Home

It's over. 

I have trouble with endings. 

Over the last two months I've spent a lot of time realizing that I'm having horrible withdrawal from the adrenaline that comes from a few years of consistent travel and a massive life changing move. 

When I left Pennsylvania, I swore I'd never return. Now I've moved back and am in almost precisely the same location I said I'd never come back to. I'm easily comfortable here, which ironically feels wildly uncomfortable. 

I've heard the line, "I'm so happy you're back, but I was really surprised you returned" more times than I can count.

It kinda feels like failure because I spent so many years talking about and preparing to leave, I finally left, and then came back after only a year.  

Ultimately, what I struggle with the most is that this is not what I thought would happen. I didn't have a plan per se, but this wasn't part of my unplanned plan. If you happened to read my earlier post this month, "Sometimes when you lose, you win", you know the main reason I came back was for love.

That's big, right? Most of us skeptics are generally pretty adverse to making big life decisions for such seemingly intangible concepts.

But for me, I've learned how important love is largely because of my mother and my best friend. I've been broken hearted and also very very lucky. 

During this gray area of my life, I'm learning that maybe searching for an adventurous and passionate life is like searching for happiness. I think it has less to do with searching and more to do with being open. Sometimes you have to just live your life and be open instead of frantically searching for the end results because really, there isn't an end to any of it until the very end, which is when we cease to be alive. At that point, then we can have our regrets or make our peace. 

Until then, the gray area is very often not just a piece of our lives, but a very large part. The new rage is to go out and find your passion, be exciting, be interesting, be different, daring and bold- which I think holds a lot of merit; however, how many people promoting that life tell you how difficult and sometimes painful it can be until you get there? And who tells you just how long it may take? Or that you could go the majority of your life before you find it? Or that, heaven forbid, you never really find that one thing?

I, for one, don't want to feel like a failure for the majority of my life simply because I didn't/wasn't able to figure out what exactly would make an adventurous passionate life for me in the eyes of others, and even myself.

I do want to live my life the best of my ability and often that's going to mean doing things that look pretty routine, and possibly even mundane, on the outside. (Grocery shopping, anyone?)

Currently, I have no plans for traveling to foreign exotic places or finding innovative new work. At the moment, I'm writing this blog then going to clean our cozy little house. 

My most exciting plans are going to a concert tonight with my boyfriend and making dinner plans with friends for the next few weeks.

Admittedly, though doing domestic house chores likely ranks up there with "routine and mundane," it feels pretty good to have a home to clean after living out of bags and cubbies. It feels particularly good knowing I'll have a clean home to have dinner parties in because I have tons of time to cook which is something I happen to love to do.

Perhaps an adventurous life has less to do with doing what looks exciting and more to do with doing what feels good to you, even when other people think it's boring, maybe especially when...

Follow Your Bliss

What is bliss to you? Is it your family? Your friends? A vast ocean? A deep endless forest? An infinite night sky? A feeling you get when there's nothing more you want because you can hear your own voice above the masses and know you are finally on the path that resonates with your own sense of reason?

Yesterday I spent the day with my friends in Boulder, CO meditating on bliss, making amazing new connections, eating an absolutely sublime brunch, then hiking a lush trail while contemplating what I had meditated on earlier.

What is bliss to me? That. Everything that happened yesterday filled me with a sense of renewal, joy, peace, and complete contentment. It was another confirmation that my, at the time, terrifying decision to change my life was the right one.

A giant smile spreads across my face every time I remember that I regained my freedom by taking back the responsibility for my life. I am no longer living by what other people think I should be doing. I cannot be controlled by money, social expectations of where I should be, or false hierarchies of power built on fear.

Back in June I wrote about putting your dreams and intentions out there in Are You Having the Right Conversation? and 7 months later I am still finding how imperative it is to never stop having that conversation. As I've said so many times before, I love travel, cooking, writing, and making new connections with people. In the past several months, I have been meeting people who share those passions because I've been putting it out there. I talk about it, write about it, dream about it, and post about it on Facebook (apologies to my friends whose News Feeds are flooded with it).

Yesterday, after many failed attempts to hang out, I finally connected with a new friend who shares the same love of travel, adventure, meaningful conversations, and meeting new people as I do, and next week we will discuss how we can collaborate to take those things out into the world.

How freaking exciting is that? These things would likely have never happened had I stayed in my windowless cube working to have enough money to mask my misery.

I can hardly wait to see how these events all play out over the next year. I have feeling that a new adventure is brewing on the horizon.

Into the New Beginning

Day 3 of CORE training.

Day 3 of adjusting to living with 11 other people.

It's an eclectic, and so far, compatible mix of personalities (yes, I realize it's been 3 days, but I have hope/faith this is a good group). It's fascinating to hear about each person's path- how they've each come to the same location with a similar goal from incredibly different backgrounds.

Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. The students don't arrive for another 2ish weeks, so the Fellows are on task to learn the basics of the school and get to know each other. It is- like any other gigantic long-term very social commitment, daunting. I have all of the typical questions and fears: will these people like me? Will I like them? How will these relationships and personalities change over the course of the year? Will we be able to maintain our focus and not become the next reality TV show? Will I succeed with reaching the students in a positive productive way? Did I make a mistake? Will I be able to handle this year?

The list could really go on and on.

This year is going to force me to face myself in ways I've never had to do so before. I can already feel my insecurities attempting to creep in on suspecting prey.

I have to remember to simply do my best, take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, then let it go.

I can't believe I live here, in these spectacular mountains in a place some only dream of... The drive in from Boulder was incredible and I couldn't help but smile and laugh to myself. A year ago I would never have expected I had it in me to begin the journey, to quit my job, leave the place I've spent over 2 decades of my life, drive 30 hours away, live in a house of 12, and really give myself the opportunity to find out what it is that makes life worth living.

I am sitting in one of the living rooms of our house with 4 others... the windows are open, a cool breeze is flowing through, and we're all reading and writing with occasional bursts of conversation. After living alone for so many years, I actually enjoy being surrounded by people. Sure, there are moments when I pull back to find some solitude, but overall- I like having other like-minded people around me, living with me. It's another source of inspiration.

I'm here. I'm really here, and I'm really doing this. So amazing.

That's all for now- another meeting coming up in a few moments.

The Adventure Thus Far

My packed up car

This trip has been a roller coaster of emotions. For the last several months I've been preparing for a far off distant thing that was only an idea. And then, the day arrived. The morning of August 17, 2012 actually showed up, and shoved me out the door of my friends' house, where I had been living the previous 2 months, reminding me that I had to go because I said I would. I do my best to do what I say I will do. This time it was really hard. I was terrified. I cried for the first 2 hours of my drive and wondered what the fuck I had been thinking.

I'm sitting in my plush hotel in Omaha, Nebraska basking in my last night alone for awhile. I have a king-sized bed, glass of wine, journal, a book I stole from a new friend I stayed with in Chicago (who also happens to be one of the people I'll be working with in the upcoming year), and a few hours to reflect on the last 7 days. Holy shit. Only SEVEN days??? Those seven days have felt like months. In a good way. 

My trip started with a 2 night visit to my long lost cousin in the Pittsburgh area. We hadn't seen each other, or even really talked much since we graduated from high school in 2002. An entire decade had escaped us somehow. We discovered how much we had to catch up on, how much we had in common, and how much we really needed that time with each other. It was sad that so much time had gone by and we had no idea that we held such large parts of each other's hearts, but on the other hand, the timing of it was impeccable. It was, in spite of how it may seem, not at all late, but rather just in time. We talked, drank wine, and made cupcakes. It was as though that decade apart had never happened. Those two nights were exactly the transition I needed to be able to continue to the next part of the adventure. Tearless.

Lemonberry cupcakes and wine

The next part of my journey took me to Chicago, Illinois where I was able to hang out with friends I had met in Kenya in July. (cue: 'It's a small world after all') Here, I marveled at having met them on another continent while running to catch janky run-down matatus,  attempting to avoid being pick-pocketed in chaotic dirty Nairobi, and lounging on the beach after preparing fresh fish for dinner, and was now hanging out in bustling Chicago catching a metro to the Willis tower, eating 'Chicago dogs', and lounging by a rooftop pool. I stayed with one of them the first night, but they were both heading out of town for work, which left me wondering what to do with myself for the next few nights. 

On the deck in Willis Tower

As luck would have it, one of the other Fellows I'll be working with in Estes Park had mentioned in one of our correspondence emails that he would be driving out from Chicago. Prior to leaving Pennsylvania, I sent an email and asked if he wanted to meet up at some point, and if he knew of any cheap places to stay as my friends wouldn't be around. He offered his place as an option, and though I fully realized that could be a horribly dicey situation in that we could meet, hate each other, and then realize we would have to inhabit the same house for an entire year, I accepted anyway (which turned out to be a funny story because he had the exact same thoughts). Thankfully, we hit it off and I stayed for 3 days/nights- which was awesome because instead of hanging out in Omaha for 72 hours alone, we woke up and had conversation over coffee, met one of the other Fellows passing through for lunch, laid around a park talking and drinking beer, made dinner and watched one of my favorite movies, went to Green City Farmer's Market for breakfast the next morning, hung out in a coffee shop for hours to read and write, then finished the visit on the morning I was leaving (which was today, though today feels like several days), with coffee and conversation. 

My new friend and fellow Fellow is a giant

And this all brings me back to the present where I now happen to be in Omaha, Nebraska, but only for one night. This is the perfect amount of time to spend doing exactly what I'm doing. I got an awesome 90 minute workout in, had my only proper meal of the day (my favorite peanut butter puff snack, Cheeky Monkey, was breakfast and lunch), wandered back to my room with my second glass of wine, and am compiling my thoughts before heading off to shower, read, and get a solid night's sleep. 

When I began this trip, I felt more scared and sad because I had no idea what was coming. I just knew what I was leaving. As the days have progressed, my fear and sadness have been transforming into excitement and joy. I've had the opportunity to reconnect with people I already knew I loved, in addition to meeting new inspiring people that deeply resonate with me and my life- people that are showing me just how much I had been missing out on by being afraid to take the leap I had known I needed to take for years. But again, like the time with my cousin, though it seems as though I'm "late", I'm actually right on time. 

Tomorrow morning I will get a quick cardio session in, pack up my things, and make the final 8 hour jaunt to Colorado where a whole new part of the adventure will begin in Denver. I will, for the first time, get to meet my dear friends' baby girl, and spend a few nights catching up with them. Then, I will head to Boulder to spend a week with a friend I met last November who has, in spite of not knowing me that long, been one of my biggest supporters. She provided more calming comfort than she will probably ever really know. And last, but by no stretch least, I will go to Estes Park on September 1st to begin my new role. 

Here's to old memories, and new beginnings. Cheers~

Adventure Awaits

The result of another one of my random impulse decisions is coming to fruition today... 

I'm heading to Kenya. Seriously? I kind of can't even believe it myself.

But tomorrow (July 12, 2012 at 830pm EST), after 20+ hours of travel, I will be landing on an entirely different continent in a place completely and utterly unlike any other place I've ever been. 

I.am.so.excited.

And a little nervous, but I suppose that goes with the territory of (yet again) having no idea what I just got myself into.

On that note, I know several people have voiced their concern over my destination choice... Africa- "The Heart of Darkness"- all people talk about is how people die there. I am going to find out how people live (in the midst of my touristy activities). Yes, I realize it is a different culture- there are things going on there that (thankfully) don't generally happen in the U.S. It's also highly unlikely that I'll be greeted by a lion when I walk out of my home here. But here's the thing, much of what people are concerned about (being shot, kidnapped, raped) happens here too- with alarming frequency, might I add. Additionally, let's not forget that we've had a strange flux of humans attempting to eat other humans. We have our own malfunctions here too. I imagine I will have more to say about this upon my return next week. 

That said, yes, of course I will employ caution, awareness, and general common sense. I will do my best to make smart decisions, but I will not let fear make my decisions. I know I talk about death a lot, but I hope I communicate not the morbidity of it, but that it's a big motivator in why I do what I do. Not only because the length of my own life is unknown, but because I want to honor the love invested in me by those I have lost because through their love, lives, and deaths, I am learning how to live.

This adventure is for my friend who I lost 9 years ago this month.

I love you always.