Friday, June 1, 2012

Buying Back My Soul

Celebrating having given my official "I'm getting the fuck out of this place" notice at work over a beer with a friend, I was marveling over how amazing my life is right now. My boss was actually happy for me since he's known I've hated the job nearly since I walked in the door. He was, however, curious to know how I've been able to take so many trips and still be able to walk away from my stable well paying income. I told him, "I'm a resourceful girl. I've been spending only on specific things, saving, and working towards this moment for a long time. I am completely free to do what I want when I want, and I will never again be in a position where I can be controlled and treated like shit just because I need the paycheck. I am giving you a 4 week notice to be courteous, but if there is any undesirable backlash, I'll walk now." 

It was one of the most liberating moments of my life. 

I am doing all of those things I've always wanted to do, but until this point, was too afraid to actually do them. At work I would sarcastically respond, "livin' the dream" when anyone asked how my day was going. Now, I really am. No sarcasm. 

I said to my friend, "I know this party could be over after this year is up because I have no idea what I'm going to do when I am, once again, in the position with no income; however, right now and this next year are already amazing." He responded, "You know, this party could be over right now- tonight." 

That's when I remembered: Oh, right... that's a huge reason why I made the decision to change my life's course now- because my life could be over at any moment. It's so easy to forget. Sometimes we even want to forget just how very mortal we are, but we shouldn't. We should remember it, always. It will change the way we live.

I can finally, for the first time in my life, say that if I knew I was going to die now, I'd be proud of myself and my life. Before, I was scared to die because I felt that my life had no meaning, but at the same time, I wanted it to be over because it had no meaning. I'm finally free- I bought back the soul I sold to pay my rent. I made choices and changes because I realized and accepted that the responsibility for my life is in my hands. If I don't direct it, someone else will, and for the last few years, someone else did. 

But not any longer.

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