Freedom

A note on freedom. (Disclaimer: for all of my very political friends, this is not at all addressing political/economic freedoms, so the door is closed for debate there because I am not presenting one.)

This kind of freedom is simply what I am experiencing at this.very.moment. It is 11:36 on a Monday when I would normally be working. But, I'm not. I'm sitting in my cozy little gently sunlit bedroom preparing to dive into the rest of my day. I'm not working at the job I hated! I left. I chose to leave and pursue a different path. Part of that path happens to involve 2 months of doing (more or less) whatever I want whenever I want. All of my fears and anxieties are currently at bay; held by the elation of seeing my future so wide open and ready to be shaped by me. I am back in control of the direction of my destiny.

It feels so amazing.

Yes, I am very well aware that life could throw any number of twists into my plot, but that's ok. I'm prepared for the fact that situations will arise for which I am unprepared. I'm ok with with it. I know I'll figure it out when the time comes.

For now, I can barely begin to describe what it feels like to have taken the giant risk of leaving my stable comforts behind for the opportunity to take full control of my life- to find and do what gives my life meaning and joy. Too many times we succumb to the belief that our lives are not our own- that we have to do what everyone else tells us to. It's easy to do. I did it. I believed everything I heard because it sounded completely rational, but here's the thing- it's not. It's not rational or logical if it makes you miserable. It doesn't make sense to spend YOUR life doing what everyone but you thinks you should be doing.

Be bold. Take a risk. Own your life and do what brings out the best in you. There is a freedom residing in the responsibility of taking the reins to your life that can not be matched by anything else.

Buying Back My Soul

Celebrating having given my official "I'm getting the fuck out of this place" notice at work over a beer with a friend, I was marveling over how amazing my life is right now. My boss was actually happy for me since he's known I've hated the job nearly since I walked in the door. He was, however, curious to know how I've been able to take so many trips and still be able to walk away from my stable well paying income. I told him, "I'm a resourceful girl. I've been spending only on specific things, saving, and working towards this moment for a long time. I am completely free to do what I want when I want, and I will never again be in a position where I can be controlled and treated like shit just because I need the paycheck. I am giving you a 4 week notice to be courteous, but if there is any undesirable backlash, I'll walk now." 

It was one of the most liberating moments of my life. 

I am doing all of those things I've always wanted to do, but until this point, was too afraid to actually do them. At work I would sarcastically respond, "livin' the dream" when anyone asked how my day was going. Now, I really am. No sarcasm. 

I said to my friend, "I know this party could be over after this year is up because I have no idea what I'm going to do when I am, once again, in the position with no income; however, right now and this next year are already amazing." He responded, "You know, this party could be over right now- tonight." 

That's when I remembered: Oh, right... that's a huge reason why I made the decision to change my life's course now- because my life could be over at any moment. It's so easy to forget. Sometimes we even want to forget just how very mortal we are, but we shouldn't. We should remember it, always. It will change the way we live.

I can finally, for the first time in my life, say that if I knew I was going to die now, I'd be proud of myself and my life. Before, I was scared to die because I felt that my life had no meaning, but at the same time, I wanted it to be over because it had no meaning. I'm finally free- I bought back the soul I sold to pay my rent. I made choices and changes because I realized and accepted that the responsibility for my life is in my hands. If I don't direct it, someone else will, and for the last few years, someone else did. 

But not any longer.

The Day I Found My Freedom

The day I found my freedom is the day I decided to walk away from secure stability. 

I was thinking about my life changes, and realized I've never felt so utterly free. I've never had that feeling before- I've been doing what I'm "supposed to be doing" for a large portion of my life. All the while I've felt trapped- I've literally developed claustrophobia from feeling caged. This is the first time I'm letting go of everything that sounds reasonable/logical/grown-up and diving head first into uncertain opportunity to lead a life that so many think only the lucky can have. And maybe they're right. Maybe it is only the lucky that can have it, but I think the lucky are 'regular' people who've realized they own their fate. We are not pawns in some silly predestined game so no matter what we do, the outcome will be the same. We get to choose our paths.

I found a blog entry I wrote in 2009 that almost seems to be a foreshadowing of now: 

A feral heart- uncontainable by dogmatic rituals and traditions guiding a calm comfortable course of existence. Wild spirit pacing like a caged animal... waiting. Waiting for the doors to open- for the light to pour through from a world waiting to be torn into-- to be explored and discovered-- to be known intimately in only the way a predator understands its prey. Endless appetite- insatiable hunger for a solid opportunity in which to sink eager barred teeth. Ready. Ready for the main course- hidden in the depths of lightened darkness- crouching in wait for the opportune moment.

This is it. 

This year will be one of the most life changing years of my existence because I'm running into the midnight of my fear to find my dawn.

I was waiting for myself to figure out I had the key to my cage.

This is it.