The Other Side of Letting Go

I'm about to tell you something that's going to sound completely contradictory. Ready?

Sometimes letting go means holding on.

I know you're thinking WTF...? But give me a second. (Maybe) I can explain myself. Over the last few years I finally started realizing there are certain events in my life I've never dealt with because I was so focused on the letting go part. I thought letting go meant I needed to not be attached, to not have any emotion. Being sad, angry, hurt, etc meant I hadn't let go which equated to failure in my head. So instead of allowing myself to own my story, I meandered through life pushing away any negatively perceived emotions. I spoke about my life in an almost a third person sort of detachment. At some point I finally recognized I was doing it. I was talking about my life like it was someone else's.

I realized doing that was causing me to not let go. I was trying so hard to let go I bound myself to everything I was trying to let go of- I became obsessed with it in a similar way to how people who try to diet end up obsessing over food. Once I accepted that the story I had been telling was indeed MY story- MY life, I felt more at peace. I didn't feel as though it was a constant struggle to push away everything because I remembered it's ok to be human- to think, to feel, to be completely irrational for a few moments, and then to go through the process of pulling it back together. I tried to pull it together before I ever let it go. It's like a finger trap- the more you struggle, the more restrictive it becomes. You have to let go of the tension before it will release your fingers.

Now, I'm learning to let go by owning what's mine and being ok with it. My life is mine; albeit not always a very pretty story, but it's mine for the making.

The Lie in "Just Do It"

Twelve years ago (oh my gosh. TWELVE years??) I worked as a barista in a little local coffee shop. I always hated when people ordered "just" coffee because in spite of how it seemed, it took a lot of orchestration to keep those pots of brewed coffee out there full and ready for dispensing in the midst of a morning rush for toasted bagels slathered in cream cheese and espresso concoctions.

Just. I hate the word "just" in the context in which it makes something sound as though it should be simple and easy: Just be happy. Just change your perspective. Just live your dream. Just get out of bed. Just be. Just, just, just. And what happens when you feel like you can't "just" do it? It feels like failure, doesn't it?  It's like when attempting to meditate and someone says "just still your mind" and then you sit there with your life's To-Do list running through your head while thinking, "why the bloody fucking hell can't I JUST still my effing mind?!"

Why is it so hard? 

Because it is. 

The word "just" is a bit of a lie. No one tells you in the midst of their fiery exuberance that life is going to be hard. Changing/shifting your perspective is going to take repeated efforts. Sometimes those efforts will fall short, and you'll have to remind yourself to try your best again next time. And living your dream? It's going to take an incomprehensible amount of work, failure, and maybe (probably) even tears. 

BUT- it will be worth it. "Just" know going in there's no "just" about it. 

Sure, there may come a point in time when you do just still your mind or be happy or live your dream. You know when that happens? AFTER a lot of hard work and intentional effort and screaming about the word "just." Like I'm doing now. 

Clearly, I'm not at any of those points where I'm "just" doing anything. I'm not even working towards being able to "just" because I'm not sure it will ever feel that way, and in the end, I don't know that it needs to. What I do know is that I want my life to line up with my values- the ideals I hold sacred and make life worth living. In those moments of quiet clarity, I know exactly what it is I believe in and what I want for my life. Does that necessarily make the process after making my decisions easier? Not always. I make a decision, but then my fears and doubts creep in causing me to second guess myself. But like I said, when I silence the noise, there is no question- I have to gather my courage and walk boldly forward. 


I understand why the "just"- in a way, it's a suggestion to stop thinking so much and just go for it. But don't let that word invalidate the bigness of your goals- whatever they may be. 


Don't "just" do it. DO IT. DO that big thing that seems so overwhelmingly terrifying. 


You will not regret it.

We Bonded Over Fried Potatoes (amongst other things)

I took my very.first.train.ride.EVER this weekend. I'd like to say it was all I had expected, but I really had no expectations going in. I can say, to me, it was some of the best qualities of driving and flying all in one. The return home felt surreal- kind of like being in a movie watching the fields and cities flying by tinged with the colors of the setting sun.

But that's not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is what I learned this weekend in NY:

1. Meaningful connections can happen from a distance and be further solidified in person. My new friend is  wonderful, and she and I share an unbridled love of popcorn and fried potatoes. (and by "fried potatoes" I literally mean potatoes sliced in any shape/thickness and then fried.) But more importantly, we share a love of life and the passion to pursue our hearts' deepest desires no matter what obstacles come our way. We are able to question each others' motives and hold each other accountable to words through action.
2. Going into a situation with no expectations leaves you open to fully and objectively be present in the experience without inflicting said expectations of what "should" be. I attended the workshop she was part of leading, and found myself so lucky to be among the people there who found strength, resolve, and peace through the community there. People realized they weren't alone in their struggles, and that is key in making it through life.
3. Community is SO important. We are not meant to live life alone. We are pack animals and require each other's interaction, relationship, and love to survive. Yes, literally to survive on a physical level as well as on an emotional one. As I've said before, if you're not growing, you're dying.
4. Sometimes, no matter how much a person, place, or thing meant to us, we have to let it go in order to continue to grow. Not everything we encounter was meant to be a permanent part of our lives- at least, not physically. We carry bits and pieces of all we've experienced with us in some form or another because those experiences have helped shaped who we are today. So, those things aren't all lost. We honor what we love by how we live. 

Mecca, Terms of Endearment, and Why it Will Be Hard to Leave

I meant to only stay for the day. Instead, I stayed through the night in the woods in the middle of winter in west of nowhere bumfuck. Yep, I did it willingly and on purpose: winter camping. This was not the warm cozy cabin one might initially imagine when thinking of camping in the winter. Instead, it was a small 3-walled lean-to (which 10 of us slept in on the straw covered floor) with a fireplace a few feet away from the opening. 

The weather was beautiful. Really. I know it sounds ridiculous in the middle of winter, but well, just look- I can't possibly begin to explain.

This was the first time I've been camping in years. It was absolutely sublime- not only because of the weather and great company, but because it was a brief reprieve from the chaos of daily life. My phone died, I had no access to a computer, all of the stuff I had to do couldn't possibly be done from there, and I was completely content. I could breathe. There was the world without all of our modern conveniences (including a bathroom) laid out before me in a grand display of complete and utter simplicity.

A crisp crystal clear night brought out an array of stars so often forgotten in the pollution of our artificial light I couldn't help but sit in silence happy to just be alive. So alive. A friend likened this event to a trip Mecca- I now see why. What sounds like wild inconvenient torture to many is sacred ground to others.

Here I was warmed by a blazing fire, all of my needs provided for (which was astounding considering I brought virtually nothing to stay and camp), and surrounded by wonderful people.

Speaking of wonderful people- I had just met some of these people for the first time, but was apparently well-received. Allow me to reveal to you how I found out.

SPAM. No, not the kind that rudely shows up in your inbox threatening some vague doom on your life-  the kind that comes in a can. I thought I had learned the intricate roles this product played during my time in Hawaii. I also thought that was the end of the meaty road for disagreeable sounding brick o' animal product. But, my friends, I was enlightened on a few levels this weekend during the winter camping trip.

1. SPAM is NOT the end of the road. In fact, it actually sounds appealing after what I found in my backpack. What did I find? Ready for this? A tiny round can of.... potted meat product. Yes, please, observe the "delicacy" I found tucked away in the bottom of my bag:

2. Contrary to one's potential initial reaction of disgust in finding that this little gourmet gem has been graciously "gifted" (concealed) in one's belongings- it is actually a term of endearment. I suppose it is the friendship equivalent of a boy throwing dirt at a girl he likes. Now we hide cans of mechanically separated meats in each other's bags.

I had actually managed to slip this gift into a friend's bag before departing the next day; however, as you can see from the picture- the can is indeed sitting on top of my kitchen counter. No, this little can was not carefully slipped in as I left. Instead, it made the long journey back from camp to find it's way into my purse at dinner this evening. I found it upon my arrival back home.

I know- it seems silly and ridiculous, but it's little things like this that cause me to stop and be grateful for my life and the people in it. These funny little moments, while seemingly insignificant on their own, combine to weave the story of our lives. They give our lives meaning and significance in a way that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated.

While I often sound as though I'm ready to bolt out of here like a bat out of hell, there is a part of me that feels a deep sadness in the decision to leave. I have fantastic friends, and have made several new ones the last few months. Over the years, I've learned just how important our relationships are with each other. I would give everything I have to the people I love, and there are so many here who have my heart. It makes it hard to go. But, I know I will be a better person to and for the people I love if I go out and show myself what it is to live fearlessly and completely. When my wars with myself are over, I will have so much more to give.

A Sorta Love Story

Heartbreak is possibly one of the worst forms of sad. It leaves you feeling like you got knocked under a huge wave and each subsequent wave keeps you from knowing which way is up. My last heartbreak was unexpected and surprisingly intense. I couldn't imagine what the point of it was, and the cliche "everything happens for a reason" was beyond irritating. I argued that perhaps, just perhaps, sometimes shit happens and there is no reason. Sometimes people are reckless with other people's hearts and that's it. Sucks because there's no rationalizing it when there's no explanation or greater good to derive from the situation. 

And then, as life would have it, I was forced to eat my words. 

I have never experienced such a clear and distinct series of events that brought purpose to that sadness as I did in this instance. If I wouldn't have been heart broken, I wouldn't have posted a pathetic Facebook status update. If I wouldn't have posted that update, my dear friend wouldn't have suggested a visit to Colorado. If I wouldn't have made the trip to Colorado, I wouldn't have had the experiences I did or met such an inspiring group of people. If those things wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have realized that it is time for me to follow my heart and stop listening to what others think I "should" be doing. I have the power and choice to change my life. Believing anything else is a lie. 

So, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would when they started, but they certainly turned out better than I could have possibly imagined. I don't have a relationship to show; instead I have a life that has been set on fire, a renewed spirit, a stronger sense of Self, courage to face what's to come, and hope for brighter days ahead. 

I am in love with my life. Honestly. 

Use it, or Lose it or Set Yourself on Fire (Also: I Know Why You Should Go to the Gym)

Ok, maybe not necessarily a gym. It can be anywhere doing anything that gets your heart rate up, makes you sweaty, and forces you to use your muscles for at least an hour a day.

Get your minds out of the gutter. I know what some of you are thinking- though, I'm sure that can count too.

What's the point of this? Activity. Everything that lives is either in a state of growth or decay-- that includes us. All of us- our entire being- our bodies, minds, hearts.... If we are not intentionally moving, progressing, and teaching ourselves to grow, we are naturally going to default into decay. Sucks, doesn't it? Why can't it be the other way around? The answer doesn't really matter here because it is what it is, and either we accept the challenge to grow, or we decay inside ourselves. 

Aside from the physical aesthetics that result from being active and eating well, and more importantly, are the effects activity has on our brain chemistry. Life can leave us feeling broken, helpless, and completely defeated, but the good news? We don't have to be any of that. From the book Younger Next Year, "Remember always that exercise and mood share the same chemistry. They work on each other and through each other." When you feel like shit and the world seems to be caving in on you- go take a walk. I'm not saying you have to be an all star athlete- just go move. DO something. Don't hide away like an ostrich. Show up and live your life.

Our activity levels directly affect our moods and how we perceive life and its challenges. Imagine how you've felt after a great walk, hike, training session, climb, surf, whatever it is that gets you going- you feel excited, empowered, motivated, on fire and downright high. Your mind feels clearer, and even though what was stressing you out before you started hasn't necessarily changed, you have a more rational outlook on the situation.

What brought this all up? Today at lunch I decided to go to the gym to get away from my cube. As I went on my first run in months, I remembered why I started working out when I was 17. Because it helped me transition from really destructive coping mechanisms into productive ones, and also physically manifested some of the battles I had in my head into a form that I could watch myself work through in the course of an hour or three. Is an hour of running or weight lifting the same as dealing with losing something important, heart break, or daily chronic stress? No, but the mentality I developed through those hours translated into the ability to live the rest of my life with strength, courage, and persaverance. I taught myself how to deal with discomfort and pain by gritting my teeth, looking myself in the eyes and saying, "This is horribly uncomfortable, actually, it downright sucks, but it's not going to last forever. Remember the big picture- it's not going to last forever. You have to push through this- you're going to be stronger when it's over. Just don't stop now. Why would you stop?"

Why would you stop? The golden question I ask myself in so many situations. Why would you stop? If I don't have a good reason, I keep going. 


I have spent a lot of years struggling on my own to make some sort of sense out of my life, but I realized it's not about necessarily about figuring out the meaning of life. It's about taking whatever comes your way, no matter what it is, and doing the best you can to grow. In this life you have to have a lot of heart, and fire in your blood to make it through. Don't succumb to decay. GROW.

A Matter of Time

I've spent  a lot of my years thinking I had to abide by a certain time frame in many areas of my life- anything from believing I was supposed to graduate within a certain number of years to being finished grieving over the loss of some of my most beloved in an acceptable quantity of months. (I still don't know what that number is as it's been over a decade in some cases, and I still miss them.)

Every time I tried to force myself into the socially acceptable time frame of when things "should" happen, I always ended up taking longer or having some sort of meltdown. I was told when my mother died that there was something wrong with me if it took me longer than a year to grieve. I was so afraid I would take too long that I didn't grieve until 3 years later, and by that point, everything I had shoved aside came crashing down like a tsunami on a small island. I was devastated and took years to recover. I'm still recovering.

Now, as I'm making plans to move I'm occasionally questioned as to why I don't move faster, why I don't go now. The simple answer? I'm not ready. Now that I've made the decision, there are some things I want to do, people I want to spend time with, plans to loosely make, and I want to mentally prepare myself as best as I can. Sure, I realize some people pack up and leave the next day. Right now, I'm not one of those people. You see, there are some other circumstances I feel I need to attend to before I will feel confident to leave. Notice, I didn't say "ready" I said "confident". (Ready being completely prepared to go- confident knowing it's the right decision, but maybe not feeling ready. I imagine it could be like getting married. You're confident that's the person you want to spend your life with, but not sure you're ready to be married. I don't actually know though. This is sheer speculation. And yes, I realize, in the end, you bite the bullet and go for it when you know it's right.) I will never feel ready to leave behind my friends and family, but I feel confident it is something I must do for my own growth so I can be better for me and those whom I love.

I'm questioning and examining my motivations and reasons. These next few months are my preparation and meditation period- like that time athletes take before a game or competition to breathe, center, and focus on their goal.  What do I want? How will I get it? What will I do if my initial plan falls through? What if I am completely alone during this entire process? What if those who said they'd be there, aren't?

I know anything and everything I think can (and often does) turn out completely different than I envision it, but I also believe there's something to be said for preparation. Who goes climbing Everest without a plan and gear? Sure, lots of unexpected things happen along the way, but preparation for what can be prepared for goes a long way when the unexpected rolls in.

In all of the years I've been told I "should" be living my life faster, I've learned that's a defeating assertion, and I'm done listening. One person's pace is not always another's, and though my life may not be lived fast enough for others, it's going at the right pace for me.