Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Other Side of Letting Go

I'm about to tell you something that's going to sound completely contradictory. Ready?

Sometimes letting go means holding on.

I know you're thinking WTF...? But give me a second. (Maybe) I can explain myself. Over the last few years I finally started realizing there are certain events in my life I've never dealt with because I was so focused on the letting go part. I thought letting go meant I needed to not be attached, to not have any emotion. Being sad, angry, hurt, etc meant I hadn't let go which equated to failure in my head. So instead of allowing myself to own my story, I meandered through life pushing away any negatively perceived emotions. I spoke about my life in an almost a third person sort of detachment. At some point I finally recognized I was doing it. I was talking about my life like it was someone else's.

I realized doing that was causing me to not let go. I was trying so hard to let go I bound myself to everything I was trying to let go of- I became obsessed with it in a similar way to how people who try to diet end up obsessing over food. Once I accepted that the story I had been telling was indeed MY story- MY life, I felt more at peace. I didn't feel as though it was a constant struggle to push away everything because I remembered it's ok to be human- to think, to feel, to be completely irrational for a few moments, and then to go through the process of pulling it back together. I tried to pull it together before I ever let it go. It's like a finger trap- the more you struggle, the more restrictive it becomes. You have to let go of the tension before it will release your fingers.

Now, I'm learning to let go by owning what's mine and being ok with it. My life is mine; albeit not always a very pretty story, but it's mine for the making.

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