Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Matter of Time

I've spent  a lot of my years thinking I had to abide by a certain time frame in many areas of my life- anything from believing I was supposed to graduate within a certain number of years to being finished grieving over the loss of some of my most beloved in an acceptable quantity of months. (I still don't know what that number is as it's been over a decade in some cases, and I still miss them.)

Every time I tried to force myself into the socially acceptable time frame of when things "should" happen, I always ended up taking longer or having some sort of meltdown. I was told when my mother died that there was something wrong with me if it took me longer than a year to grieve. I was so afraid I would take too long that I didn't grieve until 3 years later, and by that point, everything I had shoved aside came crashing down like a tsunami on a small island. I was devastated and took years to recover. I'm still recovering.

Now, as I'm making plans to move I'm occasionally questioned as to why I don't move faster, why I don't go now. The simple answer? I'm not ready. Now that I've made the decision, there are some things I want to do, people I want to spend time with, plans to loosely make, and I want to mentally prepare myself as best as I can. Sure, I realize some people pack up and leave the next day. Right now, I'm not one of those people. You see, there are some other circumstances I feel I need to attend to before I will feel confident to leave. Notice, I didn't say "ready" I said "confident". (Ready being completely prepared to go- confident knowing it's the right decision, but maybe not feeling ready. I imagine it could be like getting married. You're confident that's the person you want to spend your life with, but not sure you're ready to be married. I don't actually know though. This is sheer speculation. And yes, I realize, in the end, you bite the bullet and go for it when you know it's right.) I will never feel ready to leave behind my friends and family, but I feel confident it is something I must do for my own growth so I can be better for me and those whom I love.

I'm questioning and examining my motivations and reasons. These next few months are my preparation and meditation period- like that time athletes take before a game or competition to breathe, center, and focus on their goal.  What do I want? How will I get it? What will I do if my initial plan falls through? What if I am completely alone during this entire process? What if those who said they'd be there, aren't?

I know anything and everything I think can (and often does) turn out completely different than I envision it, but I also believe there's something to be said for preparation. Who goes climbing Everest without a plan and gear? Sure, lots of unexpected things happen along the way, but preparation for what can be prepared for goes a long way when the unexpected rolls in.

In all of the years I've been told I "should" be living my life faster, I've learned that's a defeating assertion, and I'm done listening. One person's pace is not always another's, and though my life may not be lived fast enough for others, it's going at the right pace for me.

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