The Art of Space

To put the world in order, 

We must first put the nation in order;

To put the nation in order, 

We must put the family in order; 

To put the family in order,

We must cultivate our personal life;

And to cultivate our personal life,

We must first set our hearts right.

-Confucius

What if revolutionizing the world lies in our personal relationships- with ourselves and the people with whom we interact everyday? What if it starts unintentionally in a casual setting because there's space for conversation to organically carve the way through to what matters most to each one of us?

What if leaving open time and space instead of setting rigid agendas and goals is what we need to cultivate creativity and accelerate innovation?

What if setting goals actually inhibits our ability to unabashedly reach for our dreams by overly narrowing our focus?

I'm not saying that we should never set goals or agendas, nor am I suggesting that we should sit around silently doing nothing. 

What I am saying is that so often we frantically run around attempting to force improvements, conversations, advances, relationships, revolutions- when in reality what we need is to create an environment where people are able to just be- just be- just for a moment. I realize it seems counterintuitive. I'm asking you to, instead of looking and sounding busy every.single.second, sit still, be silent, and allow all of the genius swirling around inside of you have a moment to materialize and manifest naturally in its own time.

Have you ever noticed that some of your best ideas and most profound epiphanies don't come when you're being told to conjure them on command, but instead surface in some of the most unexpected moments when you're doing something else- showering, riding a bike, talking with a friend over a beer (or froyo, as was the case when this entire train of thought initially began).

There's great value in goal setting. I also believe there's immeasureable value in allowing open space for the unexpected to occur. 

Last week, I asked a friend what was important to him. His response? Leisure. 

My initial reaction was, "really?," but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps he's got it right. Leisure, from what I took from his response, is that open space to bring people together and just be. From there, a multitude of experiences and conversations have room to unfold in a way they'd never be able to in a structured setting.

I'm about to ask a mind blowing question. Ready?

What if our work/jobs don't have to have the goal of being revolutionary world-changing phenomenons? What if it's ok that what we do to make money isn't necessarily something we're passionately obsessed with, but simply serves as a means to sustain what we are passionately obsessed with? What if that could be just as effective in contributing to a brighter and happier world because a bunch of people are cultivating joy in their lives albeit not through a job? What if learning to balance acceptance and contentment with where we are and striving for more is how we change the world? What if changing the world shouldn't be our focus at all?

Allow me to make one thing clear: those whose work is their obsession- that's awesome. But for those of us who haven't found that niche, are we to constantly feel like unfulfilled failures because we can't proclaim the glories of our profession to the world? I get the argument that our jobs take up a very large percentage of our lives so we should do something that we enjoy, but my point is that we could spend a very large portion of our lives feeling like failures always looking for the next thing while searching for our bliss. That seems like a grand waste of time to me. Maybe it's ok to be ok (happy, even) where we are while being open to other possibilities.


That said, I'm also not saying that we should stay in miserable soul-sucking-spirit-crushing jobs just for the money either. There has to be a worthwhile balance.


I ask this because it is a journey I've been exploring, and the answer I've arrived at? 

No. Not knowing does not equate to failure.

Have I found my calling yet? Nope. Is that ok? Yep. I've had some pretty incredible experiences on the journey along the way. I've learned lessons that I wouldn't trade for the world.

What if I never find a way to reconcile what I love to do with how I pay my bills? 

I think that's ok as long as we keep making space to do what we love- to do what makes us happy and makes the hours fly by as though they were seconds.

And who knows? Maybe in that space, an unexpected transition will happen and we'll find that what we love and our work become indistinguishable from each other.

What's the point of all of this? Simply, that while setting out to change the world sounds like a righteous goal, maybe changing the world starts with us learning to make our own tiny universes better by loving each other and ourselves to the best of our ability by being true to what we believe and know is best for our lives instead of being governed by what we are told we "should" do- even when it sounds noble. Maybe it's ok to sit back and enjoy being around each other without feeling as though we need to charge out and save the world as our profession. Who knows, a life-changing-world-altering idea could come out of nowhere, or maybe, we'll form closer stronger bonds with those around us.

Maybe that's where revolution really begins.

Out on the Edge (also: A Continuation on Uncertainty)

Today, I went to my first yoga class in months.

It was -exactly- what I needed both in asana and in focus. I walked out with this thought resounding in my head:

True living lies in surrender to uncertainty.

We can plan all we want, but in the end, our lives will take twists and turns for which we could have never been able to foresee. My fears about my future being 'uncertain' are a straw man with no real substance. Why? Because my future never had any certainty, even when I thought it did, and the certainty I thought I had was looking rather bleak.

Being out on the edge is as honest as you can get with life. Out on the edge is where you are open to discover your passion, reveal a new talent, and maybe even find the love of your life. The most rewarding experiences in life carry with them great risk. A new job, a new love, a new baby, a new house... Nothing is guaranteed to not fall apart. The beauty lies in our ability to accept the outcome, and if need be, learn to rebuild.

So often the word "uncertain" conjures negative connotations in our heads, but uncertainty can bring a world of positive opportunity. We fear "uncertain" because we don't know what's around the bend, but what's around the bend may be exactly what we need- it could be that thing that transforms your entire life for the better.

In the end, one of our greatest lessons will be to learn to surrender- to let go- and allow life to offer everything it has to give and everything it has to teach us without imposing what we think 'should' happen.  When we surrender, we open ourselves to infinite possibility, and in turn, we make peace with an uncertain path.

Uncertainty and Beyond

I had a moment of complete and utter horror a few nights ago.

It was 2 AM as I tossed and turned in my creaky bunk bed reflecting on the fact that I had taken a giant risk, left behind my stable income, my amazing townhouse, and my closest friends and family in search of a more fulfilling and meaningful life, and was now lying in a creaky bunk bed with just as much direction as when I left Pennsylvania- which is none.

Fuck.

Now what?

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it," Paulo Coelho says...

I just want some freakin' direction, Paulo. That's all. I'm almost 30 years old and I still have ZERO idea of what to be when I grow up. I've got this giant network of highly motivated entrepreneur friends, who are all intensely driven by a specific goal and are (mostly) several years younger to boot.

I adore my students. They make every moment worth the frustrations and doubt. My time with them has transformed my life in ways I would have never achieved otherwise. Undoubtedly, I will be in contact with many of them for years to come.

That said, when the fellowship is over, I have no intention of pursing therapy as a career.

Shouldn't I have had some grand epiphany? Am I a failure for not having any clarity after leaping out of my comfort zone and free-falling  into a now incredibly uncertain future?

My friend reminded me that it's not so much about the "end point" because what she found inspiring was the courage to jump. And this is not the end. This is only the first step in the journey beyond what was supposed to have been the next 40 (miserable) years of my life.

It's ok that I don't have any answers yet.

And so, in the meantime, I write. I make bucket lists. I plot travel plans. I enjoy the moment I'm in because the illusion that there was ever anything BUT an uncertain future was... well... an illusion.

I suppose that this is really where the over-used cliché quote "it's not about the destination, it's about the journey" regains its meaning.

Because as over-used and cliché as it is, it's true.

Here's to the journey.

(In Response to) 19 Ways to Make Me Fall in Love With You

I read this list (19 Ways To Make Me Fall in Love With You) today, but decided it wasn't at all the what one would need to do to "make" me fall in love with them. So, I decided to create my own list.

Here it is:


20 ways to make me fall in love with you:

1. Make me smile/laugh through silly jokes, unspoken acknowledgement of quirky situations, and the ability to entertain absurd conversations.

2. Build me something. (nearly) anything. Bonus points if it's functional.

3. Take me away. The quickest way to this girl's heart is a plane ticket to a new place. (A long road trip can also suffice.)

4. Cuddle. Physical affection is very important.

5. Send random messages throughout the course of the day just to let me know you're thinking of me.

6. Make dinner AND clean up once in awhile.

7. Hold the door open for others, help an old lady carry her groceries to the car, be kind to waiters/waitresses- in general: be kind and compassionate.

8. Accept me. That includes the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. 

9. Listen to me because you want to know me. 

10. Watch what I do because you want to understand.

11. Be active, eat well, and take care of yourself. Nothing is as unattractive as someone who doesn't take care of themselves physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. 

12. Be supportive of my interests even if it's not "your thing."

13. Be honest. Tactfully. Tell me you've seen me look better in other outfits. Tell me I have kale in my teeth. Honesty in even the seemingly little things goes a long way.

14. Stand by me, walk by my side- literally and figuratively. Tell me when I'm wrong, but make sure I know you always have my back. 

15. Be sociable with others. Interact with my friends and make an effort to get to know them.

16. Communicate with me, even when it's about something that's uncomfortable or difficult.

17. Teach/Introduce me (how) to (do) new things. 

18. Have impromptu conversations with me that last long into the middle hours of the night.

19. Cloud/star watch with me.

20. Love me.

Love With a Love That is More Than Love

"If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life."

Valentine's Day. The day people focus on buying flowers, chocolates, and cards, dote on romantic partners, or find ways to cope if none of the above exists.

But what about focusing on a different kind of love? Instead of romantic suck-face (frequently) fleeting sorts of love, why not spend that money giving to those whose struggles go beyond just being single? 

Today, my sweet friend and little-sister-I-never had posted this status:

"Doing laundry today, a lady was begging for change outside for some food. Instead of giving her $$ I took her over to the pizzeria & bought her some pizza, and a soda. She said, "Everyone walks by and gives me change so I'd leave them alone. Thank you & Happy Valentine's Day." Enough said."

I'm not saying we all need to go find someone begging on the street, but perhaps we can pull our heads out of the hazy Valentine's Day clouds and redirect that attention to those who could use some genuine compassion, love, and concern. 

If you're in a relationship, pay it forward. If you're single, pay it forward. 

I totally get the ever-increasingly trite sounding cliche-for-a-reason question, "Why do we need one day to remember to express our love? We should be doing that every day." And that's TRUE.

But here's the thing about us humans, ready? WE FORGET AND NEED CONSTANT REMINDERS. It's true, we should love every day, not just when we're expected to buy cards we're going to throw out the next day. That said, a day of intentional remembrance isn't a bad thing either.

Valentine's Day, like everything else, is all in what you choose to make of it.

So go dote on your special loved one (if you don't have one, do something you love and be thankful for the time you have to focus on yourself), and maybe while you're at it, send some of that attention and energy to someone whose lot in life may not be so lucky as your own.

Stop Looking Down Long Enough to Look Up

I used to say I was an ocean girl.

Well, I didn't "used" to- I still kinda do, BUT, with more thought than before. You see, these last few weeks have been something of an epiphany. I've gone on a hike of some sort every several days for the past few weeks, and the more I do it, the more I crave it. 

Yesterday while I was out with a friend, I realized that ever so slowly, I've been learning the language of the mountains and of being in the woods. It's different than being in the ocean, not better or worse, just different.

I find peace in the sound of the wind through the trees and reminders to breathe deep when I look out on the horizon filled with mountains that could only be described as majestic against a sky so blue it's unreal.

Over the weekend I went on a hike and met a new friend who, while we were walking and talking, suddenly stopped. He grabbed my arm and said, "Look at this. Look at how amazing this view is, and we miss it because we're always looking at the ground." 

So we slowed down. We walked quite a distance behind everyone while we were mindful to look up and even completely stop once in awhile just to enjoy what was right in front of us.

I realized that many of us are so busy just trying to get where we're going, we spend the entire time looking down to make sure we don't trip, but all the while we're missing the point of it all; we're missing the spectacular views that make the journey worth taking in the first place. 

We're taught that we should hurry up and push as hard as we can to get finished, but finish what? A class? A job? A chore? A workout? A hike? And why- why do we feel as though we have to race through our lives always looking down to ensure that we don't trip while we're pushing as hard and as fast as we can to get to the end. 

But maybe, just maybe, the end is not so important. Maybe, like the old cliché says, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

Next time you find yourself racing through school, work, the various stages of a relationship, a project, or even just a hike, slow down- maybe even completely stop- and take a moment to look, really look, at what's around you. 

You may just find that whatever you're working so hard to finish has a new meaning, and the end point becomes not so important after all.

Don't Say It Unless You'll Do It

How many times have we made empty commitments like, "I'll call you later," "We'll hang out soon, "I'll get better with staying in touch," or "I'll help you with that"?

We've all done it. We say those lines because in the moment we think we mean them, but later rolls around and makes a liar of us.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

This last year has emphasized the importance of follow through in my everyday life. I've been working on not mindlessly spouting off meaningless promises because even though they don't seem important, those seemingly insignificant moments add up to how others gauge the integrity of your word. It happens on such a covert level we don't even realize it consciously most of the time.

That is, until we find ourselves simultaneously making other plans when we make plans with that person we know will flake.

Each unfulfilled commitment weakens the power of what we say because there's no foundation of doing to hold it up.

My challenge to us is to be increasingly mindful and intentional about what we say because though it is true that actions speak louder than words, words have the potential to be powerful when they carry a high degree of purpose and integrity.

Make it a priority to ensure you follow through with the "little" commitments because they contribute to the foundation of trustworthiness you build with others on a daily basis.