Friday, May 31, 2013

Love Heals

What do you think of when you think of the healing process? Does some beautiful  light-filled vision enter your mind? ...or, does a long, painful, and sometimes scary process emerge?

Sure, healing is a beautiful process; however, it can also be incredibly difficult. Sometimes things look worse before they get better. Sometimes they hurt more intensely than when the wound was initially inflicted. Sometimes you feel weaker before you get stronger. 

Sometimes healing looks like you're completely falling apart when in actuality, you're putting the pieces together in a whole new way.

How many of us have been building defense mechanisms for years to avoid getting hurt? We carefully laid bricks of friendly looking detachment and avoidance or abrasive anger and indifference so no one could ever get near, but at some point, we find those bricks are starting to cave in on us. 

What once kept us safe is now what's beginning to crush and suffocate what we were protecting-- ourselves. 

There comes a point when we have to make a decision; continue trying to build walls that are preventing the very things we want most to get in because we keep clinging to the fact that they used to keep us safe, or gather every bit of courage we have and start disassembling years of defenses knowing that that's the only way we can even begin to heal those years of heartache and be open to the incredible joy life has to offer.

The last few months have been continually new revelations of just how much I've been holding back and pushing away, because due to the unexpected arrival of an incredibly kind and patient someone, I've had to face that I never fully bought into my belief that love heals. Until now.

I didn't realize that I was still nursing so many of my old wounds because instead of letting them heal, I tried to pretend they didn't exist. Denial was easy when I wasn't allowing anyone close enough to challenge me.

For the most part, it has been a happy process, but, there are some days when my fears get the best of me and I want to bolt back into my old comfortable crumbling walls. I have moments of complete and utter panic because, "what if I foolishly step outside of my walls and get hurt in the same stupid ways all over again? What if my half-stitched scars get torn open?"

Necessary and amazing as it is, there are times when it's uncomfortable, awkward, difficult and sometimes flat out embarrassing. It would be easier to keep avoiding it all, but then, what kind of profoundly life-changing depth and meaning would I miss out on because I was too afraid to be vulnerable enough to heal?

Day by day, fear by fear, he's helping me to learn how to trust and step out of the walls that were keeping me from experiencing a sacred part of life that I hoped existed, but didn't really believe in, or at least, didn't believe would exist for me.

Thankfully, love heals whether I always believe it or not.


  1. wow. i could have written this. thank you.

    1. hi kristin- it's good to know other are out there healing and processing it all too. <3

  2. Haiku, believe me, there's more than only one who can relate to you.
    I love the way you put things and your unrelenting optimism that keeps shining through.

    1. Some days it's a struggle to stay optimistic for sure, but each moment is a new chance. Thanks for your note. :)