Monday, May 20, 2013

Blood and Water (part 2)

How do you know when to hold on or let go? 

 For the last 10 years, I've been pursing communication with my biological family in hopes of meeting them one day. Sporadic emails over time seemed to be leading up to that point until a few months ago when I received the translation of my father's most recent email that may change the course of everything... 

I tried to write about it all just days after, but found I had to walk away from it all for a while. I had no answers, and still don't; however, one thing I've learned through this process is that the possibility exists that perhaps all of that searching was just to find that I no longer needed to be searching

I have people that love me, want me in their lives, and will make every effort to be in contact with me regardless of how busy they are. Why should I continue chasing after a "family" that would easily fall away as soon as I cease to make any effort? 

Sure, people have their arguments that I need to find my roots, and I agree to a point; however, not everyone's story is the same. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's ok if my roots were transplanted and I'm happy with where I'm grounding now.

Many of us have the driving need to have closure to every situation, but life doesn't always give us the closed ending for which we hope. Sometimes we have to learn to be ok with an outcome that ends with an ellipses instead of a period.

In this case, for now, I'm letting it go. I have the opportunity to build a family here with people I love and who love me in return. After a decade of chasing what's left me continually feeling confused, drained and empty, I'd rather pour myself into what will contribute to making my life happy and full.

Maybe one day I'll resume pursing my bloodline, or maybe I'll find that what I have here is enough in and of itself. 

"The old saying goes that we all have two families—the one we’re born with, and the one we find along the way. For some of us, the family we’ve found is everything, and enough."
(From the article: My Modern Family)

4 comments:

  1. Wow - what an amazingly deep realization. I believe what you said about your roots being happily transplanted is absolutely true. I think our roots develop where we let them rest. It can be easy to get sucked into the societal notion of 'real family' having some sort of special connection with us. But in reality many of us won't and have never had such a connection with our own blood. I think you're walking the path bravely, and making sense of something many would struggle with. Keep with it, sister!

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    1. Thanks for your response... I hesitated to post it at first because I know some people were more attached to my connecting with my Korean roots than I am/was, but I then decided it's no one else's life, so opinions on this- though valuable, are irrelevant when it comes to what I think is best for me. I'm tired of the chase.

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  2. That's the most important realization of all. Knowing what's best for you and understanding that everyone else's opinions are framed from their own experiences, therefore completely irrelevant to anyone but themselves. Super brave of you to overcome that hesitancy, and surely inspiring for others to witness. :) yay you!

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    1. Took awhile, but definitely for the best- especially in this situation. Thanks :)

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