"Sometimes when you lose, you win."

This is by far the longest I've gone without writing. Where did a month and a half go?

Generally, I do my best to put myself out there and share even some of my most vulnerable moments, but the last month and a half I felt as though I was being rolled in a giant wave and couldn't figure out which was was up. 

Honestly, it's entirely embarrassing. I left my job, my family and friends and Pennsylvania with the goal of finding my passion- that thing that makes me excited to wake up and go do it everyday (or at least not make me wonder if maybe I sold my soul to pay my rent). 

I spent an intensely life changing year in Estes Park, CO (which I seem to have left with impeccable timing as it's a giant flood zone currently) working at a residential high school with incredible teenagers who all had amazing resilience and strength; they taught me more about myself than I would've ever anticipated.

After a year of being constantly immersed in activity/work and surrounded by people, my fellowship ended and I returned back to Pennsylvania to be with my friends, family, and largely- the man I love. 

Initially, it was relief to finally be with my boyfriend, and especially to have the constant stress and frequent sensation that I was failing in being (good) enough alleviated. But as the weeks rolled on, I became increasingly more frustrated not knowing what my next steps were career/work/job wise. 

I realized that I hadn't found my passion. Not even close. 

"Who wants to read about my confused anxious floundering??" I'd ask when questioned about the lack of writing, but then one of my friends said, "Probably a lot of people. You're not the only one who struggles through times like these."

Oh. Right.

So, here it is. Even as I'm writing this, I hesitate and wonder if I should delete it all, but who knows- maybe someone out there doesn't need a 'how-to' or some profound revelation/inspiration, maybe they just want to know they aren't the only one wondering what the fuck to do next.

I realize that it may sound as though I regret returning; however, that couldn't be further from the truth. On the flip side of my angsty wandering/wondering is a revolutionary love that is, baby step by baby step, teaching me to let go and have a little trust in life.


I've never been good at waiting. Patience is not one of my (strongest) virtues. From what I can remember, this is the first time in my life I've felt this clueless and still, but that said, I've also never been very good at resting and allowing myself time to process and heal.

I'm currently in a position where I have the luxury of taking my time to figure out what it is I want so I don't end up in the same place I was in before I moved away (miserable and depressed), while stepping aside to finally attend to some old wounds.

At this point, I have no clear ideas of where I'm heading... but then again, maybe we don't always need to be heading somewhere. Maybe sometimes we need to learn to be still once in awhile so we're not always missing our lives while looking for the next big thing.

Maybe this moment IS the big thing.

And when I stop stressing out about my future for a hot second, I realize just how good my life is .right.now.

Today

I left home 2 weeks ago today. I am in my last stopping place until I head to Estes Park for my year-long fellowship. I'm in disbelief at how fast everything has happened. It's remarkable how the days fly by when you're not dreading them.

By the time I leave here, I will have spent 5- FIVE- nights in once place. That is the longest I will have been anywhere in nearly a month. While that doesn't sound significant, after having spent 6 years in one place, it's quite a transition to become so... well... transient. (And I'll let you in on a little secret- I kinda like it.)

Last night as I was attempting to sleep, I caught myself becoming anxious about what I would do when the year is over, but then reminded myself that a billion and one unpredictable things could (and will) happen in this next year. There is not only no need for me to try to plan my life out all at once, it's also impossible to do so.

I have loved these 2 months away from work, from responsibilities, from expectations, from all of the "shoulds" I lived under for years. I broke free and am reveling in the moment. For a time, I would assert the disclaimer that I knew this would not last forever and that I could end up regretting this move. It was an effort to displace any potential remarks that could (and did) come about the impending end of the year with no income. But I finally saw how unproductive that was. The only moment we have is the one we currently inhabit, and the last 2 months of my moments have been spectacular. Truly. The one I'm sitting in now as I type this is also pretty fantastic. I have no idea what's around the bend, but that's ok. Even if hell is about to fall, it shouldn't steal the joy I have in this quiet peaceful moment. The next moments can bring what they may, and I will live in them when they arrive. 

For today, for now, for this moment, I am done with trying to figure it all out. I'm going to allow myself to be completely absorbed by the beauty of the day, time with friends, and knowing that everything is all right.