Sunday, April 22, 2012

"Where you Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life"

Imagine one bright beautiful day you receive a phone call telling you that someone you love more than life itself has been diagnosed with a fatal incurable/untreatable disease. Really, take a moment to process how that would change your perspective on life- and if you've already had something like that happen, you are already more than well aware.

Saturday morning, that was the reality for a friend of mine. As I read her words delivering the diagnosis for her little boy, I felt the weight and sorrow of what I imagine only a mother could feel, and I did my best to not cry in a public place. 

I went about the rest of my day in a little bit of a haze trying to wrap my head around how she was feeling. I couldn't, and I still can't as I sit here processing, again, how unstable/unpredictable life really is. All of my fears over leaving a comfortable "stable/safe" living situation are a bold faced lie. We hear it so frequently it's become cliche, but don't let the cliche rob the meaning of the words "life is short." Whether it's 100 years or 10 or 1- it goes by fast. It can end quietly and peacefully, slowly and painfully, or abruptly and violently, but regardless of how it ends, it ends. 

I know this sounds really heavy and depressing, but it doesn't have to be. Death is not an ugly thing to fear, but a compliment to life. It can help remind us of what's important, -truly- important while our eyes are open and our hearts are still beating. I've been lucky in that I've learned that lesson young. It took me a long time to stop being angry long enough to realize the inevitable thing that was happening around me was not an assault on my life, but simply a part of all of our lives. 

Saturday was a reminder to me of why I'm still here- why I want to LIVE. I'm making changes in how I live my life to honor those who have brought me so far, and have taught me to not take what and who I love for granted. What we love is the only thing that matters. In these mortal finite moments, I am going to stop wasting my life believing I 'should' be doing what everyone else expects me to do because it's what's socially acceptable by the masses, focus on living and opportunity instead of fear and doubt, and invest more of myself into who and what I love instead of just what pays the bills. I saw a quote last week that said something along the lines of "where you spend your money is where you cast your vote" and I wondered if where you earn your money casts that vote too. It does. I don't love my job on any level. I don't even like it. It feels empty and meaningless because there is no growth or progression, but what's more- there's no love, excitement, or inspiration. That is why I am leaving. I'm setting off to find a way to invest my time, my love, my life, my self into something that brings out the best in me so that I can, in turn, help to bring out the best in others. I am going to cast my vote in a way that works towards cultivating the kind of life where people's talents, skills, and passions are realized instead of dismissed.

I've spent so much time the last few weeks focused on how terrified I am of leaving my financial security and the stability I've built over the last 4 years, but why? What kind of stability do I really have? I could get a phone call one day and find out I have cancer or a debilitating disease. Or, I could simply get hit by a truck and it would all be over in an instant- all of that "security" I had built would be destroyed like a hut in tsunami. I'd have done nothing I really wanted to do because I was putting it off until I was set up for a retirement I'd never reach. I am done being afraid. It is time to be strong and brave with my life because the alternatives are unacceptable. 

It is time to payout on all of the love that has been invested in me. I'm going to show myself the boundaries I (and everyone else) seem to think exist, aren't really there. Life is as big as we allow it to be. 


  1. I want you to know how your words touched my soul, bringing tears to my eyes because I forgot what it was like to really live not simply exist. You have inspired me and I hope one day I will find that spark to get out of my shell of an existence and really start living my life again. Thank you for sharing your journey it is a beautiful story and I'm looking forward to continue reading your blog it is like a breath of fresh air.

    1. Hi Rickell- thank you so much for reading. It took many years of working through a ton of fears to finally branch out and realize that in order to really live, I had to let go of the comfortable haze and challenge myself. Don't get me wrong- I'm still terrified much of the time, but the difference is not letting it stop me.

      Please stay in touch! I would LOVE to hear your story as it unfolds.