Friday, March 23, 2012

You Are What You Do

"What you do every day is more important than what you do once in awhile."

Such a basic sounding statement, but it was particularly poignant for me. I've been a little more quiet lately- not because I have less to say, but on the contrary, there's so much I haven't known where to begin or how to process the seemingly contradictory thoughts and ideas flying through my head.

Throughout the course of figuring out the logistics of moving, I realized there's one thing I really do like about my job. I like that I can afford travel both because of time off and money- I can buy a ticket nearly whenever I please, and the thought of losing that was (is) unnerving (along with the thought of not being able to afford basic living, but that's somehow lower on the list of what haunts my mind). I can do what so many constantly say they wish they could. What kind of fool would I be to give that up?

But then I remembered this: I hate my daily life. I have pockets of amazing, but the every day is miserable. It's like a relationship that's great during vacation and holidays, but is soul-suckingly boring and mediocre at best or broken, abusive, and dysfunctional at worst the rest of the time. Staying at a miserable job just for the money is like staying in a miserable relationship just for the sex. Some can make that work somehow... but I've never been one of those people.  It's not enough.

I just can't shake the idea that there's gotta be more to life than this- more than reluctantly waking up and dragging myself into a job to which I've literally been developing physical revulsions.

Finding this quote reinforced what I already know in my head and my heart, while providing some peace to my fears and defense mechanisms:

I want to know what it's like to wake up excited to live my life because the work I'm doing is doing more than just paying for stuff. I want work that brings out the best in me. I have to give myself the chance to find out what I love.

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